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I had a great Brain Milk podcast chat with Ellie Leonard about her intrepid reporting on the Epstein Files, Michael Wolff, Katie Phang’s lawsuit against the DOJ, and much more. She is definitely someone you want to be subscribed to! Also subscribe to Brain Milk so you get my future pods when they drop.
- Stephen Miller is reportedly so depressed because of the Supreme Court’s refusal to revoke birthright citizenship that he hasn’t come out of his coffin yet today.
- Trump is reportedly worried he’ll “William Henry Harrison himself” today giving his July 4th speech in the middle of a heatwave.
- White House staffers are reportedly worried Trump will use his July 4th speech to defame E. Jean Carroll again, and then immediately get sued for another $83 million.
- White House physicians are reportedly asking everyone to stop joking about Natalie Harp letting Trump call her “Ivanka” because the increased heart rate might burst his fast-food-clogged, viagra-surging heart ventricles.
- A GOP official in Texas reportedly got caught in an undercover video sting admitting that, if the state hadn’t listened to liberals and become the #1 solar power state, this summer’s heat would have collapsed the grid and forced Texans to become cannibals to survive.
- Trump is reportedly pissed that top military officials are warning, if he pulls the US out of NATO, it will be the dumbest, most self-defeating act of national security sabotage in US history, because Trump was thinking of declaring “independence from NATO” on July 4th.
- Top GOP officials say it’s “not a big deal” that Mitch McConnell has been secretly dead for two months because, “Despite being dead, he’s passing just as much legislation and checking the executive branch’s power overreaches just as much as any other Republican senator.”
- Cronies of Trump are reportedly suggesting to potential Supreme Court nominees hoping to replace Samuel Alito that they might want to start “greasing the wheels” of Trump’s cryptocurrency.
- Stephen Miller is still so upset about the Supreme Court not invalidating birthright citizenship that he hasn’t yet shape-shifted from a colony of bats back into his human form.
- Ukrainian officials say that when Russian troops are inevitably forced to evacuate Crimea and surrender their claim to the peninsula, JD Vance will be the first person invited to the victory celebration.
- MAHA fans are reportedly now “cleansing their body of vaccines” by slapping hornet nests and getting stung dozens of times so that their capillaries swell and rush the vaccinated blood cells to the surface, and then letting leeches attach themselves to their skin to suck out the blood.
- White House staffers are reportedly worried Donald Trump’s plan to give his speech in the middle of a heatwave will result in orange streaks smearing his makeup on live television like Rudy Giuliani’s infamous black streaks.
- A new Democratic super PAC is raising money for any 2028 Democratic presidential candidates who pledge to abuse the pardon power like Trump has to issue blanket pardons for “any patriot who leaves, throws, smears, or smushes feces at Trump-owned real estate properties.”
- White House officials are reportedly making emergency contingency plans in case Donald Trump during his July 4th speech celebrating the American Revolution has an “accidental fecal revolution in his pants.”
- A growing number of bars in New York City are reportedly offering free beer taps all night long on the 4th of July if Trump suffers a heat stroke during his speech.
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Our social media platforms are getting scrambled by oligarchs so if you like my writing, diversify where you follow me so you never miss my jokes to interrupt your doomscrolling: Threads, Twitter, Bluesky, Facebook, Instagram, Spoutible, Medium, and Substack.
If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published three books for you: Satire In The Trump Years, Satire In The Biden Years, and Trump Comedy.
I’ve also published four existentialist poetry books, Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 