New York City—
Pre-sales for Donald Trump Jr.’s new memoir, Triggered: A Boy of Destiny’s Crusade Against The Cuck Liberal Hollywood Coastal Elite Communist Sharia Atheist Snowflakes skyrocketed to the top of the New York Times’ Best Seller List when a mysterious corporate buyer in a suburb of Moscow, Russia purchased 70,000 copies.
The company, Russian Copper, is led by one of the top oligarchs in Moscow, Niko Deripaskov, a close friend and confidant to Vladimir Putin.
Political pundits across the political spectrum are calling attention to the blatant exhibit of Russian money laundering, but Donald Jr. is adamant that Deripaskov is merely impressed with his business skills.
“Look, I was offered an executive role in the Trump Organization, literally a day out of college,” explained Donald Jr. in a press tour interview conversation with Good Morning America’s George Stephanopoulos. “Deripaskov clearly just wants to pass my expansive wisdom on to his employees. He didn’t buy Donald Trump’s The Art of the Deal, he specifically chose Triggered. And it’s a great book, his employees are going to love it. I detail how I rose up in the ranks of the Trump Organization with hard work, determination, and grit, and I managed to do it in just ten minutes. What does that say about me? My dad, the best business man in the world, hired me on the spot! It was because he could just tell I have that ‘It’ factor. And it had nothing to do with my last name. I promise you that. Honestly, he barely even knew me, so it’s totally not nepotism. He was always so busy with work when I was a kid, so he didn’t really watch me grow up. Everything I’ve achieved I’ve accomplished totally on my own with no outside help, save just the small gift of a few hundred million dollars my grandpa’s company left for my dad and us. But it’s not like my dad was a bad dad, you know? Sure, he always calls me an idiot in front of the other Trump Organization board members, but deep down he really loves me. When I was a kid we’d have our special little moments. Like, he always made sure to call me on my birthday. We’d talk for like a whole ten minutes despite how busy he always was, and we’d laugh and laugh. That’s when I could tell he respected me. He’d always ask about my friends. He’d be like, ‘Do your friends ever talk about Marla in school?’ or ‘Do your friends ever talk about my casinos in school?’ or ‘Do your friends ever ask how come you’re not more like your dad?’ Then we’d talk about the girls my age, and he’d ask me how big their boobs were getting, and dude stuff like that. It was great bonding. You know, I bet if Joe Biden’s son wrote a book, Russian companies wouldn’t buy ANY copies of it!”
Russian Copper, meanwhile, has just 800 employees.
One thousand copies were also purchased by President Donald Trump, but paid for with funds from his newly launched, Florida-based charity called Donald Trump’s Not Fraud This Time Foundation.
Before changing his address from New York State to Florida State, the President and all his children had been banned by New York from serving on the board of any charity for ten years on account of excessive fraud for spending charitable donations for personal, often frivolous expenses.
Immediately the IRS launched an investigation into Donald Trump’s Not Fraud This Time Foundation’s purchase of copies of his son’s book. The President accused the IRS of “Presidential harassment” and launched lawsuits, but several judges have ruled against him.
“My father is being treated so unfairly,” Donald Jr. told Stephanopoulos when the TV host pressed him on his father’s legal problems. “One of those judges was Mexican, so of course that ruling doesn’t count. And the others were deep-state women judges who were probably on the rag. Women hate my father, so they shouldn’t be allowed in any courtroom overseeing cases about him either as the judge or on the jury. And these judges weren’t even hot. Talk about saggy. Why do they hate my father so much? It’s not like he’s gonna try to kiss them. They’re way too old! My dad is always joking that pretty soon his next wife will be younger than Barron. That’s my dad, for you!”
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