New York City, NY—
Pre-sales for Donald Trump Jr.’s new memoir, Triggered: A Boy of Destiny’s Crusade Against The Liberal Hollywood Coastal Elite Communist Sharia Atheist Snowflakes skyrocketed to the top of the New York Times’ Best Seller List when a mysterious corporate buyer from a Moscow suburb in Russia purchased 70,000 copies despite having just 800 employees.
The company, Russian Copper, is led by one of the top oligarchs in Moscow, Niko Deripaskov, a close friend and confidant to Vladimir Putin.
Political pundits across the political spectrum are calling attention to the blatant exhibit of Russian money laundering, but Donald Jr. is adamant that Deripaskov is merely impressed with his business skills.
“Look, I was offered an executive role in the Trump Organization literally a day out of college,” explained Donald Jr. in a press tour interview conversation with Good Morning America’s George Stephanopoulos. “Deripaskov clearly just wants to pass my expansive wisdom on to his employees. He didn’t buy my dad’s book The Art of the Deal, he specifically chose Triggered. And it’s a great book, his employees are going to love it. I detail how I rose up in the ranks of the Trump Organization with hard work, determination and grit, and I managed to do it in just ten minutes. What does that say about me? My dad, the best business man in the world, hired me on the spot for an executive role! He could tell I have that ‘It’ factor. And it had nothing to do with my last name. I promise you that. Honestly, he barely even knew me, so it’s totally not nepotism. He was always so busy with work when I was a kid, so he didn’t really watch me grow up or have anything to do with me. So everything I’ve achieved I’ve accomplished totally on my own. But it’s not like my dad was a bad dad, you know? Sure, he often used to call me an idiot in front of the other Trump Organization board members, but deep down he really loves me. When I was a kid we’d have our special little moments. Like, he always made sure to call me on my birthday. We’d talk for like fifteen minutes despite how busy he always was, and we’d laugh and laugh. That’s when I could tell he respected me. He’d always ask about my friends, and he’d be like, ‘Do your friends ever talk about Marla in school?’ or ‘Do your friends ever talk about my casinos in school?’ Then we’d talk about the girls my age, and he’d ask me how big their boobs were getting, and dude stuff like that. I knew he liked our talks because he really listened, and could always remember the names and bra sizes of every teenage girl in me and Eric and Ivanka’s classes at school. His brain was like an encyclopedia for girls going through puberty! It was great bonding. You know, I bet if Joe Biden’s son wrote a book, Russian companies wouldn’t buy ANY copies of it!”
One thousand copies were also purchased by President Donald Trump, but paid for with funds from his newly launched, Florida-based charity called “Donald Trump’s Not Fraud This Time Foundation.”
Before changing his address from New York State to Florida State, the President and all his children had been punished for excessive charity fraud for spending foundation donations on personal, often frivolous expenses.
Immediately the IRS launched an investigation into the Not Fraud This Time Foundation’s purchase of copies of his son’s book. The President accused the IRS of “Presidential harassment” and launched lawsuits, but several judges have ruled against him.
“My father is being treated so unfairly,” Donald Jr. told Stephanopoulos when the TV host pressed him on his father’s legal problems. “One of those judges was Mexican, so of course that ruling doesn’t count. And the others were deep-state women judges who were probably on the rag. Women tend to loathe my father, so they shouldn’t be allowed in any courtroom overseeing cases about him either as the judge or on the jury. And these women judges weren’t even hot. Talk about saggy. Why do they hate my father so much? It’s not like he’s gonna try to kiss them. They’re way too old and past their prime! My dad is always joking that pretty soon his next wife will be younger than Barron. That’s my dad, for you!”
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