St. Louis, MO—
The Halfway Post today interviewed a group of local Evangelical Trump supporters to ask how they felt about the impeachment of the President.
“I have to admit that I’ve been a little mixed up about this whole impeachment stuff,” explained Frank Bugliani, 49. “I believe that God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and controls everything according to a mysterious masterplan we lowly humans can’t possibly understand, but the masterplan has gotten a little extra mysterious in recent months. Does God think Donald Trump is a Democrat? Why in Heaven’s name would the Good Lord want to impeach a Republican president? It’s like God forgot Obama is no longer in office or something!”
Other Trump-supporting Evangelicals agreed that they couldn’t understand
God’s intentions.
“I believe God intervened in the 2016 election to elect President Trump,” said Marsha Williams, 36. “Jesus probably gave a bunch of Wisconsin voters explosive diarrhea or something to keep them from getting out of their houses to vote, and that’s why we didn’t get Crooked Hillary. But if God went through all that trouble, why would he allow Democrats to impeach Trump and make our great Christian President look like a corrupt idiot guilty of petty bribery and countless acts of obstruction of justice? Trump’s innocent… right? I just can’t understand why God isn’t making Adam Schiff and Jerry Nadler spontaneously combust in the middle of their anti-Trump Congressional speeches! I totally understand that God has gotten all-loving since Jesus came around, but I wish he could give some of that Old Testament vengeance to liberals like God has given at times to disobedient Israelites, Egyptians, Ammorites, Assyrians, and Sodomites. I know for a fact that God would rather America be invaded and conquered by Russia than ever be governed by a Democratic president again!”
Some local Evangelicals wondered if God was actually making a mistake.
“I love and trust God completely, but impeaching Trump just isn’t right,” exclaimed Harold Wiener, 29. “Donald Trump is more of a savior than Jesus right now. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love Jesus Christ with my whole heart and soul, but Donald Trump is more of an alpha male, and that’s what America needs to get rid of all these MS-13 immigrant drug lords invading our cities. If Jesus were here right now, he’d be telling us not to judge brown people for their skin color, and to treat immigrants like we treat our own children, and to welcome everybody into America including, most particularly, all these destitute Muslim refugees, but America needs a strong bully to be our President to prevent all that! If the 2020 election were between Trump and Jesus, I’d still vote for Trump. But, again, I believe in the Bible 100%. It’s the bedrock of my moral system, just if you exclude the tiny parts about welcoming and taking care of foreigners, feeding the homeless, caring for the sick, not judging sinners, not hitting back, and sharing your abundance selflessly with those who have greater needs. Other than all of that, I’m the biggest, most devoted Christian in the world!”
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