St. Louis, MO—
The crayon company Crayola has recently unveiled a brand new color just in time for President Donald Trump’s impeachment: “ImPEACHed President’s Skin.”
The color is a bright orange shade of peach, and the company says it perfectly matches the color of the President’s face.
“Of course, we know it’s not Trump’s real skin tone,” explained Crayola CEO Jane Simmers, “Because around his eyes you can see a much more pale, sickly-looking color of skin that gets covered by his eye covers when he gets hosed down by tanning lotion every morning, but we thought Crayola should represent his skin as he represents it: a blatantly untruthful, excessively bright, fake news shade of orangish peach.”
Crayola spokespeople explained that they were trying to stay out of politics, but that white supremacist Trump supporters around the country have been trolling their social media accounts for months, which convinced Crayola to troll back.
“At first we didn’t want to get involved,” said Crayola Public Relations Manager Jim Meeghan, “But all these MAGA-type people with their red hats in their profile pictures were just bugging the shit out of us demanding that we stop selling black, brown, red, and yellow crayons because they said those were ‘immigrant colors,’ whatever racist bullshit that means. They kept saying Trump was going to deport our crayons for being, quote, ‘inferior colors.’ A bunch of Trump supporters organized boycotts, although we didn’t have a dip in sales. Then they had a protest where they came to one of our factories and just chanted all day. They actually got pretty creative with their racism, and I wrote down some of their best ones. Here, I’ll show you.”
The following are the racists’ chants:
- “Cut the malarkey–no crayon darkies!”
- “We want caucasians–not yellow Asians!”
- “Muslim bans, not Muslim crayons!”
- “Only whites in the box–or skip Crayola stocks!”
- “Don’t take away our rights–to color all the pictures white!
- “Multicultural Crayola–is worse than African ebola!”
- “We get serotonin–from low melanin!”
- “Stop the diverse attitude–skin from northern latitudes!”
- “We don’t give a damn–stop PC skin crayons!”
- “America, it’s well-known–cream’s the best skin tone!”