President Donald Trump lashed out today at Democrats’ continuing impeachment effort, and claimed in an impromptu press briefing that he had just gotten off the phone with infamous conspiracist Alex Jones, who had informed him of shocking new details about Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi .
“A lot of people don’t know this,” explained the President, who appeared to be quite sweaty, “But Nancy Pelosi does not have a birth certificate. I’ve sent dozens of people to look, and they’ve come up empty-handed every time. It’s Obama all over again, folks. There is no official record whatsoever, anywhere in the government, that Menstruatin’ Nancy was born on Earth. In fact, I don’t believe she’s human at all. She’s cold-blooded. That’s why she’s always sunning herself out on the steps of the Capitol when it’s warm outside. A lot of people don’t know this, but reptiles aren’t warm-blooded. And that’s why Nancy is so nasty all the time. She’s very, very nasty to me. She’s made up all this collusion stuff, this quid pro quo stuff, this Ukraine stuff, this charity fraud stuff, this fake university stuff, this campaign finance stuff, this tax fraud stuff, this sexual assault stuff, this obstruction of justice stuff, this Stormy Daniels stuff—oops, sorry, I keep forgetting I admitted that one. So nasty. To everyone. People don’t want to be around her. When I was at NATO, everyone was talking about how nasty she is to me, how unfair. Actually, a lot of people don’t know this, but Trudeau and Macron and Boris weren’t laughing at me at NATO, they were laughing at all of Nancy’s blood coming out of her wherever. She’s a total demon. When we have meetings in the Oval Office, her eyes glow a dark ruby red color, and, when we shake hands, I always get a sharp burning sensation. I have to immediately get my Bible out and start reading my favorite verses, like the one about… or the one where… And have you noticed that she always wears suit jackets? That’s because she wants to cover up as much of her reptilian skin as she can. She uses makeup on her face and hands, but, one time, when we were discussing infrastructure deals in the Oval Office, she started scratching her skin on her wrist a lot, and the makeup came off a little, and it would have blown your mind to have seen it. You would have said, ‘Wow.’ Her skin has a greenish, silvery hue to it. And it’s very scaly, and that’s why she hates America and wants to impeach me, the greatest President, maybe of all time. She doesn’t want America to be great. She wants America to be slaves, just like Crooked Hillary. That’s another lizard witch with no birth certificate. I’ve sent dozens of people looking for her birth certificate, too, but there’s no record of her existing prior to 1989. My people have found unbelievable things about her. If I showed you half of what I’ve seen, you would say, ‘I can’t believe it.’ Alex Jones told me that Crooked Hillary once tried to put a spell on him, but he fended her off with some karate moves. He had been spying on her, and even saw her army of orcs that her and Pelosi are going to invade Real America with to install Sharia law over all the good Christians. Alex Jones just told me all of this, and he secretly recorded their plans. He promised he’d share with me the audiotape in a few weeks, just he can’t right now because Obama has tapped his phone like he tapped mine—oh, perfect, Mick Mulvaney brought out a bowl of ice cream for me. A lot of people don’t know this, but only Presidents with 90% approval ratings get two scoops like me. The Fake News will never admit this, but Obama only ever got one scoop.”