Austin, TX—
Conspiracy theorist Alex Jones has for a long time used his show InfoWars to spread and capitalize on conspiracies alleging that numerous national calamities, particularly those involving gun-related mass murders, are secret false flag operations orchestrated by the government to take away America’s Second Amendment rights.
However, now his suspicions have apparently turned on himself because earlier today he told his audience that he has been super worried about something.
“I’m not crazy, folks, though everybody says I’m crazy,” Jones began his rant. “But it’s proven that the lizard people are everywhere. You know that, I know that, everybody knows they’re living among us. Nancy Pelsoi knows that for sure. Yep. She’s the lizard queen. A transgender reptilian queen from another planet who came here on a spaceship with an engine fueled by little abducted children’s bones and blood. And her minions are everywhere. Every continent. How do I know that? It’s so obvious folks. Because the Leftists are everywhere. The lizards have gotten so powerful by brainwashing liberals and turning them into secularists and radical communists with their Obama-loving, feminist, Kenyan, neo-colonialist gay agenda that they don’t even hide it anymore! They walk around in broad daylight! In fact, I have to admit something. I think—God, it makes me so angry. I’m furious! FURIOUS! But I believe Hillary Rodham Clinton has even infected me with the reptilian poison. She got me with her fangs a couple weeks ago, and then transmogrified into a toad and got away before I could shoot her. I can feel the poison in my bloodstream. It burns when I pee! They’re trying to turn me into a false flag government plant. The poison whispers things in my head! Like that I should seek therapy! But that’s exactly what the Leftists want! So they can brainwash me completely! Like they brainwash all those elementary schooler toddler posers who pretend they were in a mass shooting. They’re fakers! They try, but they can’t fool me. Those alleged children victims are actually Hollywood-trained crisis actors! They want our guns, and those toddlers will kill us all if we don’t give them up! I’m positive this is their plan. The signs are everywhere. There’s always at least one chemtrail above my house. Always. Sometimes there’s three of them crisscrossing above. They grind up communism and Islamofascism into Obama dust and spray it all over us! But I’m not giving in. They want me to quit my show, or to say something so truthful that the elitist, globalist United Nations occupiers can cancel and silence me. They want me gone! They want to erase me! And they’re doing everything they can! They’ve even tainted the water. I’ve been tracking this for months, and the water is changing, folks. The water just tastes different now than it used to. I swear. Maybe that’s why it burns when I pee. But I can’t even shower at home anymore. I haven’t bathed in months! I won’t give them the satisfaction of bathing in their gay fluoride tap water. I can hold out as long as I need to! I can outlast them! But they’ve even gotten into the bottled water supply. No water is safe anymore. But I’m not gullible, folks, I’m not falling for it. Last week, just to be safe, I started only drinking my urine. Folks, you have to be safe. Have to. There’s no choice anymore. That’s why they don’t want you to listen to me. I’m the only one out here telling the truth. That’s why they lie about me. Can you believe they call me a psycho? Me! They want you to believe I’m psychologically sick! But the reptile demons are the crazy ones! I saw it with my own eyes! Hillary Rodham Clinton tried to bite my throat with her fangs and then turned into a toad! I had to karate a dozen of her gay frog henchman. They had silver jumpsuits, and they’ve sold their souls to Satan for super-strength! I was only barely able to fight them off. But you’re not safe either, folks. They’re coming for you! Don’t get complacent. They’re waiting for the moment you let your guard down. But I’m going to let you in on a secret. There is something you can do. In fact, there’s only one thing you can do. One thing you must do, if you love America. It is your patriotic duty to drink your piss. You have to resist the lizard neo-Marxists! You can’t drink their water. That’s exactly what they want! You have to protect yourself! And if you go to the InfoWars website right now, we are selling state-of-the-art urine filters for only $49.99. Get yours today. There’s literally no time left. Hillary could be anywhere. Her gay frogs are always watching! I have five InfoWars filters. You can never be too safe. It’s guaranteed to keep all fluoride and chemtrail chemicals out. I would buy at least two filters if I were you. You have to fight ‘em. They haven’t got us yet. I’m fighting it—I’m a fighter! I’ll never let them win. You can’t stop me! I will never give in to Nancy Pelosi! Never! No! Nooooooo! No! No! No! NOOOOOOOOO! Urine is the only way! Buy seven filters today! Seriously, I need the cash. Can you believe my b**** ex-wife is lying to a judge and telling the courtroom I’m mentally unstable? And parentally unfit to share custody of our kids? Maybe Hillary got to her and is paying off the judge! They’re all in on it! Folks, we’re losing the war for America’s liberty! Never drink anything but piss ever again! They’ll never convert us into lizards if we only pee in our mouths from now on! Call me unstable! You’re unstable! You’re all unstable! I’ll show you, Pelosi! George Soros! I’ll turn you both into the gayest frogs who ever gayed! Wait! What am I saying? Oh my God, Hillary’s venom must be getting to my heart! There might be Sharia gay in my head in my brain in my neurons right now! Folks, there’s no time! You have to go to InfoWars.com immediately and buy a dozen urine filters. It may be too late for me already, but save yourselves! Piss! Pisssssssss!”
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