New York City, NY—
In the most stunningly hypocritical news development of all time, Eric Trump just announced that he got hired this morning to be a director on the board of a Russian copper company based in Irkutsk, Siberia.
This happens to be the same copper company that just a few months ago made a bulk purchase of 70,000 copies of Donald Trump Jr.’s new book Triggered: How The Left Are Total Fragile Pussies, But Also Rabid Fascist Nazis At The Same Time.
After #OhMyFuckingGod immediately went viral on Twitter in response to his wildly ironic announcement, Eric Trump recorded a video he posted on his LinkedIn page after updating his employment status on his profile to “Industrial Copper Boy Wonder,” in which he explained that his new board of directors position was “way different” than Hunter Biden’s controversial position on a Ukrainian company’s board of directors.
“First of all, I’m getting paid way more than Hunter Biden ever got paid at Burisma,” explained Eric. “So you can tell my job is much more real and serious than Hunter’s job. He only got $50,000 a month whereas I’m getting $100,000 a month, so my job is twice as legitimate! Besides, I know way more about copper than Hunter Biden knows about natural gas. When I was a kid, I convinced Donald Jr. to trade me all his pennies for all my silver coins. He’s so stupid that he agreed, and, when we divided up all the change, I ended up with way more coins than he had. Art of the deal, right? So I’m practically an expert in copper. Hunter Biden doesn’t know anything about natural gas because it’s invisible. And where does it even come from? Does he collect his farts in jars or something? What a dumb company. Russian companies are way better to work for than Ukrainian companies. And, unlike Hunter in Ukraine, I’ve actually been to Russia tons of times, and sat in on deals my father has made. I learned from the best. My dad is so good at business. It’s amazing. He’ll sit down with these Russian oligarchs, and they’ll pay three times the going market rate for our properties. Even properties that didn’t make us any money, and loaded us up with debt that lasted for years. I don’t know how my dad convinces them. But that’s why he’s President. And there’s absolutely no collusion with Russia whatsoever. If anything, the Russians should be totally furious at my dad because there’s no way they can make any money off the awful properties either. But, for whatever reason, they just keep coming back and giving us new loans. I think my dad just has a great rapport with them. They call him all the time just to talk about foreign policy stuff. I’m always overhearing them when my dad turns the phone to speakerphone in his office while I’m visiting and hanging out. They’re constantly telling him how brilliant his ideas to end NATO are, and how clever his plans to pull all American troops out of the Eastern Hemisphere are. When Trump announced publicly that the US should get rid of sanctions on Russia, Putin himself got on the phone and said he was the smartest President of all time. I heard it, I was there. Putin also said that Obama’s hands were way smaller than my dad’s hands, and you know it’s true because Putin shook both their hands plenty of times, so he’d know. They just have such a great relationship. Tons of fun memories together. Apparently they used to make a bunch of fun videos together, and the Russians always burst out laughing when they mention it. They call them the ‘golden tapes.’ I’ve never seen them, so I don’t know what kind of hijinks they got into, but I bet it was hilarious cause my dad has been to some crazy parties. Maybe it has to do with, like, a golden era of when they were younger or something. It’s kind of weird though, cause my dad always gets a little serious when they bring it up, so maybe he remembers that in the tapes he had more of his golden blonde hair or something, and he just misses the days when he didn’t have to do an elaborate combover in a daily process that takes two hours every morning. That’s the only thing I can think of for why they’d call them the ‘golden tapes.’ Man, I wish I could see those videos, though. I bet if I saw them, I’d never forget them for the rest of my life! I bet I’d laugh so hard at their wild party pranks that I’d pee myself! My dad would like that, wouldn’t he! If that ever happened, I’d hope no one was filming it, cause that could totally be held over my head for blackmail someday! Oh man, Russians are crazy, aren’t they? In a stark contrast, I bet Hunter Biden’s dad doesn’t have any golden tapes with Russians. What a loser family! Hunter couldn’t even get a six-figure monthly salary like I did. That reminds me, though, I should go call that copper company or something. They haven’t told me when my first board meeting will be yet. They just started mailing me checks. I haven’t even had to sign any paperwork or anything. And I have so many copper ideas. What if I got all the other board members to trade their silver coins for other people’s copper coins. They’d have so many coins at the end of it!”
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