New York City, NY—
Donald Trump Jr. claimed in a Fox & Friends segment today that his father’s wealth and grandfather’s company had nothing to do with his success in life.
“I’m so sick of people claiming I’m not responsible for my success in life!” Donald Jr. said, unprompted by host Steve Doocy. “I’ve done everything for myself! Me having the same exact name as a famous billionaire, getting hired by my dad to work as an executive in my grandfather’s company, and then getting paid by NBC to be on my dad’s reality show was barely any help at all! Same with my book Triggered. In fact, my dad didn’t help with that one bit. My ghostwriter who wrote it all helped me way more than my dad ever did. So that book was 100% my accomplishment, and it had nothing to do with inheriting millions of dollars from my family. And my dad had nothing to do with the RNC buying thousands of copies of my book. It’s just a coincidence that he’s the party’s president!”
Host Brian Kilmeade remarked on how passionate this topic clearly made Don Jr.
“It’s because I’m so sick of people acting like I’m some kind of nepotistical trust fund baby,” Donald Jr. replied. “In fact, having the same name as my dad probably hurt me more than it ever helped me because he’s got so many lawsuits going against him for just about every crime in the book. When women see me walking down the street, they cross to the other side because, with all of my dad’s sexual assault lawsuits, they probably think I’m some kind of rapist monster, too, but I’m not! I’m a good guy. I’m very chivalrous. It’s only my dad who does the raping! And when I have a good business idea, American banks won’t give me any loans because of my dad’s terrible credit and awful track record of borrowing massive sums of money for one cheap, ill-advised, failed product or business venture after another. And when I finally get loan money from Saudi Arabian or Russian oligarchs to try out my own real estate projects, no contractors will work with me because my dad has screwed over literally every construction firm on the Eastern seaboard. And don’t even get me started on all my great charity ideas. My dad spent years telling me it was cool to use our family’s charitable foundation to buy anything from candy bars at the gas station to over-sized paintings of ourselves, but that turned out to be not true, and illegal. Now I’ve been blacklisted in the entire charity industry! But all of this is my dad’s fault, and not mine! And the worst part is that even though I’m Donald Trump Jr. and the oldest child, he still loves Ivanka more! She got the White House job that I wanted, and all I get to be is the stupid CEO of the Trump Organization. It’s unfair! But don’t forget I still got this high up in the company all because of my own talents! It had nothing to do with nepotism! He gave me a million dollar salary the second I graduated from college because of my business talent and experience, not because I’m his kid! And he didn’t even pay me the legal way, and instead wrote my salary off as a consulting fee so there’s a chance the IRS could take my money back! So please don’t call me a trust fund baby! I’m a best-selling author, and my dad didn’t write a word of it! My ghost-writer did all the writing! So take that!”
Donald Jr. then burst into tears and cried until Steve Doocy called for a commercial break. When Fox & Friends resumed, Don Jr. was gone and Brian Kilmeade began showing the audience his personal collection of Sambo dolls.
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