Donald Trump Erroneously Claims The Patriarch of Judaism Was Abraham Lincoln

Washington D.C.—

In yet another faux pas of Biblical knowledge, President Donald Trump made comments in a prayer breakfast event this morning in which he appeared to mistake Abraham, the patriarch of the Abrahamic religions of Judaism, Christianity and Islam, with Abraham Lincoln, the 16th President of the United States.

The breakfast event was hosted by Evangelical leader Jerry Falwell Jr., and was intended to raise money from influential Evangelicals and show off Trump’s Christian faith.

The following are Mr. Trump’s comments in a brief speech he gave to the assembled crowd:

“Hello, everyone. I’m so glad to be here. Tremendously happy. Because I’m just so Christian, you know? I may be one of the best Christians of all time. I don’t want to say it, I didn’t plan on saying it, but people here today really wanted me to say it. They were begging me to say it. They tell me—they say they can’t believe how Christian I am. They say, ‘wow, I thought I was Christian until I met President Trump, but he’s so Christian it’s truly one of the amazing faiths of all time.’ For me it’s just natural, you know? I’m a natural Christian because Jesus, he really did some amazing things. Things that no one had ever thought about before. The things he was doing—for back then especially—were totally unthinkable—just so great. And that’s of course why we have Halloween, to honor those tremendous achievements. But we should have more Christian holidays, shouldn’t we? Maybe once a month. Wouldn’t that be great? Every day should be Jesus day, for doing those amazing things for all of us. I always tell everyone that instead of me, Jesus should be a president. He’d be great, wouldn’t he? I mean, talk about honored. I would be so honored if he became president after me. But he’d have to argue with my fans, you know? Because they might want me to keep being president after eight years. They might insist, and they’re big Second Amendment people, so Jesus might have to wait. But maybe if Jesus was here, they’d make an exception. I’d retire after eight years if Jesus was waiting. You’d have to, right? What a guy. And I love all the other great Christians throughout history, too. All of them. Every one of them. I mean, just really tremendous people, the Christians. You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but Abraham was another great Christian. And for a president, he wasn’t bad. He also did some tremendous things. That’s why America is so great. One of the first Christians ever, and America voted for him to free the slaves and bring the Jewish people to Israel. My great, amazing friend Benjamin Netanyahu told me the Israelis are descended from Abraham. It’s like a metaphor or something. I don’t know. I went to Wharton for business, not history. But if I had gone for history I would have graduated first in my class. I’m great at history. One of the greats of all time. Cause of my unbelievable memory. Bibi complimented me on my memory about Jerusalem when I decided to move the embassy there. I love Bibi. Bibi! We love Bibi, don’t we? And I think Bibi likes me back. He named a whole Israeli city after me. A whole city. Maybe I ought to build a Trump Tower there, who knows? So yeah, I didn’t free the slaves or give Israel to the Jewish people like Lincoln, but I did move the embassy to Jerusalem. You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but Jerusalem is, like, a really big deal. It’s, like, their sacred city. It’s like Mecca for the Jewish people, thanks to Abraham—and me, for moving the embassy. The Jews, they love Abraham a lot, but I bet there isn’t any Jewish city called ‘Abraham Lincoln Ville.’ Maybe if Lincoln had just started the embassy there in the first place, and the Jewish people didn’t have to wait for Trump, he’d have a Lincoln Ville in Israel. I’m just kidding. What a guy, Abraham. They wrote a lot about him in the Old Testament, but maybe the Jews will write about me in the next Testament. That’d be a great honor, wouldn’t it? I’d read it. It might even be better than Art of the Deal. So inspiring. And, of course, they’d write about Jesus, too. They can’t forget about Jesus. Truly one of the greats of all time. And who can forget about all the other great Christians? There are so many great Christians that it would blow your mind if you knew as many as I do. There are just so many who have accomplished so much for America, and the world. Truly amazing people. Like all of you. You’re all amazing. Thank you, everyone, for inviting me here to pray with you. So should we all kneel toward Jerusalem now and say our ‘hail marys,’ or what?”

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(Picture courtesy of Kevin Burkett.)

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