Washington D.C.—
In a bizarre Senate speech delivered yesterday afternoon, Senator Tom Cotton, a vocal war hawk from Arkansas, appeared to have gotten sexually aroused while proposing a new Middle Eastern war with Iran.
A C-SPAN video of the speech appears to show a bulge in Mr. Cotton’s pants grow in the first forty-five seconds of his speech, and it stayed there throughout the duration of his remarks.
The following is a transcription of his speech:
“My fellow Senators, the country of Iran sucks, and now is the perfect time to bomb them. Now, I know what you’re probably thinking. You’re probably saying to yourself right now ‘here’s Tom Cotton again, crying wolf over Iran like he’s been doing for years,’ but this time I’m totally, 100% serious. This time is different. It’s now or never. Because we might not get another chance. Even though we haven’t concluded yet with certainty that it was in fact the Iranians damaging those shipping vessels, we should still bomb them. What are we waiting for? Wouldn’t it be awesome? Why not just set aside a trillion dollars right now for another invasion and occupation? Third country’s the charm! I bet $10,000 to Planned Parenthood that Iran will be a democracy in six months tops, and they’ll welcome us as saviors and liberators. For real this time! Who’s with me? Come on, everybody! Wouldn’t it just be so…. so… incredibly hot. So…. sensual? Big bombs on long planes dropping loads all over Iranian civilians? All over their faces? [At this point in the video, the bulge in Mr. Cotton’s pants is visibly pronounced.] Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Wouldn’t that just be everything you’ve waited your entire life for? Mouth-watering war with Iran? Oh, man. Ohhhh, yeah. Ooooooh, yeah, so incredible. All the giant, girthy rockets lifting straight into the air, throbbing to penetrate Iranian air space. And the amphibious landings. Wet troops dripping with sea water running up on beaches from all directions. So many at once. Tanks, anti-aircraft, howitzers, mines, bazookas, grenades. Just spraying everything with the manly juices of democracy. Oh, it’s in Iran’s eyes! Who’s your daddy, Iran?! Who’s your daddy? Say it! Say I’m daddy! Ahhhhhh, yeah. Ahhhhh, yes! Yes! Yes! Give it to me! Give me war! I want war! Waaaaaaar! I love war! I’ll do anything for war, just give me war! Just a taste! Just give me a tiny ounce of war! I have to go to the bathroom!”
Mr. Cotton then hastily left the Senate floor.
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(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)
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