Tom Cotton Gets Full Erection In Senate Speech Calling For War With Iran

Washington D.C.

In a bizarre Senate speech delivered yesterday afternoon, Senator Tom Cotton, a vocal war hawk from Arkansas, appears to have gotten sexually aroused while proposing a new Middle Eastern war with Iran.

A C-SPAN video of the speech appears to show a bulge in Mr. Cotton’s pants grow in the first forty-five seconds of his speech, and it stays there throughout the duration of his remarks.

The following is his speech:

“My fellow Senators, the country of Iran sucks, and now is the perfect time to bomb them. Now, I know what you’re probably thinking. You’re probably saying to yourself right now ‘here’s Tom Cotton again, crying wolf over Iran like he’s been doing for years, like he always does’ but this time I’m totally serious. This time is different. I’m dead serious, it’s now or never. Because we might not get another chance. Iran might be attacking ships in Middle Eastern waters, and though we haven’t concluded yet with certainty that it was the Iranians damaging those shipping vessels, we should still bomb them. Why miss the perfect opportunity? What are we waiting for? Wouldn’t it be awesome? Why not just set aside a trillion dollars right now for another lengthy invasion and occupation? Who is with me? Come on, everyone! Wouldn’t that just rock your world? Wouldn’t it just be so…. so… incredibly awesome? So… amazing? So…. sensual? [At this point in the video, the bulge in Mr. Cotton’s pants is full mast, so to speak, and the Senator begins to grip the edge of the podium so hard that his knuckles turn white.] A war with Iran? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeahhhh. Man, wouldn’t that just be everything you’ve waited your entire life for? Mouth-watering war with Iran. Oh, man. Ohhhh, yeah. Ooooooh, yeah, so incredible. All the bombs, everywhere. And the rockets. And the mortars. And the jets and bombers flying around blowing up targets everywhere. Oh, yeah, giant targets. Targets so big, you can’t miss. And the amphibious landings. Wet troops coming from the sea from all directions. And the explosions everywhere. Bullets…. all over. Tanks, anti-aircraft, howitzers, mines, bazookas, grenades. Just spraying everything. Exploding… everywhere. Oh, man, I could explode right now just thinking about it. I could explode all over Iran. All over. It would get everywhere. I’d cover Iran. Ahhhhhh, yeah. Ahhhhh, yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Come on! Give it to me! Give me war! I want war! Waaaaaaar! I love war! I’d do anything for war, just give me war! Just a taste! Just give me a tiny ounce of war! I have to go to the bathroom!”

Mr. Cotton then hastily left the Senate floor.

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(Picture courtesy of Michael Vadon.)

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