Shreveport, LA—
Following a controversial mistress abortion scandal, outspoken pro-life Republican Representative Jeff Reisingler of Louisiana says it is not hypocritical that he pressured a mistress he accidentally got pregnant to have an abortion.
“This is entirely different from the abortions I have made my career trying to ban,” explained Reisingler in a press conference this morning. “For starters, when I found out my mistress was pregnant I did a lot of soul-searching and praying, and with 100% certainty I can confirm that God gave me unambiguous signs that the abortion affecting my personal life was totally cool with Him. He said, just this one time, it was okay on account of how promising my career is.”
Despite Reisingler’s wife filing for divorce within hours of his public announcement, the Representative is adamant that he is just as committed to Christian family values as ever.
“My wife is the one who has given up on family values, not me. When I told her God was commanding that she stay with me, she kicked me in the nuts, which is a direct affront to the Lord’s obvious intentions. I told her that if she kept trying to squash my testicles, God would just give me more mistresses to impregnate with the sperm that our Heavenly Father clearly thinks is blessed enough for extramarital baby-making! My wife took that the wrong way, too, and I’m starting to believe she’s been faking her Christian faith all this time if she’s now outright refusing to go along with God’s master plan! Thankfully I was able to talk God out of me having to go through with the whole ordeal of having the kid with the mistress, and I’m just glad that those devil succubus nurses at Planned Parenthood didn’t kill me along with the fetus when we were doing the abortion. Their eyes were glowing red, and I could see their baby-eating sharp fangs, but I brought my Bible along and it protected me from their dark, liberal sorcery.”
Reisingler also explained that Democrats are still bigger baby killers than him.
“Look, I don’t like dead fetuses like Democrats do. They love them! They wish they could abort all the fetuses in the world. Meanwhile, I’ve only aborted one, and, like I said, God gave me permission. It’s not hypocritical because I’m not an irresponsible, low-class, ethnic minority single mother. I may be irresponsible, but I’m none of those other words. My circumstances are completely different. God understands my future shouldn’t be affected by some little mistake like not pulling out in time one random night. God knows I am capable of learning from my mistake, unlike those whore women!”
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