Fox News Announces A New “War On Easter” To Distract Viewers From Coronavirus

New York City, NY—

Fox News is famous for its annual coverage of the so-called “War on Christmas,” but the cable news company has just announced another holiday culture war, this time alleging liberals want to destroy Easter.

The Halfway Post reached out to Fox CEO Paul Gimley in a telephone call, and the following is a transcript of the call:

THP: “Thanks for taking our call, we were wondering if you could tell us about the ‘War on Easter’ you just announced.”

PG: “I think a new holiday culture war is just what Fox News needs right now. The coronavirus is only getting worse, which means that Democrats in Congress and the rest of the media outside the conservative bubble will be looking into the various incompetent missteps of the Trump Administration in containing it here in America, so we at Fox News are kind of desperate to change the subject so that our viewers don’t start to turn on Trump. We were having trouble picking what subject to choose because we thought about bringing up Hillary Clinton’s emails again, but our focus groups felt like that was too predictable… And then we thought about probing into Joe Biden’s birth certificate to claim it was fake, but our viewers didn’t really buy that because he’s white… But then a eureka moment struck me. I started thinking about how our ‘War on Christmas’ coverage makes December super easy for us as producers because anytime we have an extra segment to fill up with something we just throw in some bits about Santa and Jesus being white, and it occurred to me that we never talk much about Easter. But a ‘War on Easter’ is perfect to rile up our viewers to be mad at liberals, and, as coronavirus gets worse and worse here in the States, we’ll just blame it on God being angry because liberals want to ban Easter celebrations in America.”

THP: “Does it bother you morally to intentionally make up a fake controversy to distract viewers from getting accurate coronavirus medical information that could potentially help them better protect themselves from infection?”

PG: “Hahaha of course not. This is Fox News. We spent eight years trying to convince our viewers not to get healthcare in order to make Obama look bad. We told them that if Democrats passed protections for pre-existing conditions it would lead to death panels murdering everyone’s grandmas. This is all about money. We are propping up Trump as the best president of all time, and if the truth gets out to our viewers that Trump is an idiot who has made America less safe by cutting the effective global health emergency teams, programs, and funding that Obama put into place during the Ebola scare, then our viewers will stop tuning in to Fox News. We can’t have that!”

THP: “What will your coverage of the ‘War On Easter’ look like?”

PG: “It’s going to be great. We have amazing ideas. Sean Hannity is working on a special right now about how liberals hate Easter so much that they celebrate the holiday by eating all the baby rabbits they can find on Easter Sunday. Laura Ingraham is going to commit an entire hour edition of her show alleging that Planned Parenthood offers a buy-one-get-one-free promotional deal on abortions during the entire length of Lent while Catholics fast leading up to Easter. Tucker Carlson will do a recurring weekly segment in which he criticizes Democrats for using brown-furred rabbits in their Easter-themed events because everyone knows Peter Rabbit is a white-furred bunny. And then Jesse Watters will do several street interviews with Bernie Sanders supporters demanding to know why they won’t give him free candy since they’re always whining about getting free stuff. It’s going to be great!”

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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)

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