Heaven—
The Halfway Post just had a lovely chat with God. The following is a transcript of the phone call, lightly edited for clarity:
THP: “Hey, God, how is everything?”
GOD: “Great, thanks for asking! You know, no one ever asks how I’m doing. So thank you very much! Everyone prays to Me and tells Me about their life, and their problems, but no one ever stops to think about My problems.”
THP: “I suppose people think You don’t have any problems because You’re God.”
GOD: “I have plenty of problems of My own. I’m not actually totally omnipotent, You know? I can’t just snap My fingers and make anything I want happen like so many Christians believe. If I could, I’d be the biggest psychopath in the universe, wouldn’t I be? If I could just snap My fingers and make baby cancer go away, and then I don’t do that for millennia? If I was omnipotent, you think I’d let killer hornets come to America to threaten all your precious bees? And I’m definitely not all-loving. There’s almost 8 billion humans! Why would someone ever think I love all of them? Statistically that’s incredibly unlikely! I mean, really? I love Ted Cruz, or Eric Trump, or any of the Trumps for that matter? I love Gregory McMichael and Travis McMichael, those racist monsters who murdered Ahmaud Arbery for being black and going for a jog? If I was really all-powerful why would I let those two killers go without being arrested for two months? Where is the justice in that? You know how many minorities have been lynched in modern America despite all your country’s idiots acting like racism ended with the Civil Rights Act? The only omni power I have is omnipresence. I see everything. Which is why I’m depressed. It’s a curse, not a blessing. It means I can’t turn off any mental stimulation. You know what it’s like to have to hear and see everything simultaneously? I have to listen to and see every Fox News program of every day. I can’t turn it off! I almost want to come down there again and crucify Myself just to get a few years’ break of Sean Hannity, or Tomi Lahren, or that raving drunk lunatic Jeanine Pirro! But very few of your Christians would even care or believe me if I showed Myself. I’d come down and do miracles for the poor and sick, but white American evangelicals would write me off as a libtard. They don’t really know anything about Me or their own religion. You know how many pro-Trump Evangelicals would eagerly join the Nazi Party if they were living in 1930s Germany? I do! Most of them! I hear all their thoughts! The dunces listening to Fox, Rush Limbaugh, and Alex Jones all day would just as easily be convinced by Goebbels!”
THP: “There’s nothing you can do about Fox News?”
GOD: “Not until the after-life. But that’s where I have some fun. Every Fox News television host goes straight to Hell, and their punishment is to watch their own programming for eternity. It’s literally the worst torture there is. They say solitary confinement is very bad for people’s psyches, but watching Sean Hannity or Tomi Lahren nonstop breaks people down into hopeless despair much, much quicker. Their arrogance and flawed logical reasoning is so bad that people in Hell beg for solitary confinement after just six consecutive hours. There’s also a lot of fire and burning, but the realization that everything they’ve ever said is stupid, and that they’ve eagerly made the world a worse place, is a little more painful. The eternity of the punishment really expands Fox News hosts’ minds into figuring out why their daily political rants were so problematic and evil. Then having to watch those rants for eternity is quite a heavy load of torturous penance. I literally can’t wait for Sean Hannity to begin screaming to be released from the unimaginable suffering that is watching himself forever!”
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