Chapel Hill, NC—
Local Evangelical pastor Brett Thompson today renounced his Christian faith after reading the New Testament and realizing Jesus Christ sounds quite a bit like a libtard.
“I couldn’t believe it!” said Thompson. “I realized it had been a while since I read from the New Testament because most of my sermons are about judging everyone who isn’t a born-again Evangelical, and I typically look into the Old Testament for judgmental inspiration, you know? So I started reading about Jesus saying to turn the other cheek, and how he literally washed the feet of the poor, and how he talked about rich people being fundamentally sinful, and how we’ll only get into the Kingdom of Heaven if we help the needy, and all that stuff, and my blood just started boiling. I felt like Jesus may as well be Bernie Sanders, or Elizabeth Warren, or Pete Buttigieg! I wanted to go protest Jesus in public with my high-velocity, semi-automatic assault rifles to stand up for the American freedom to be militantly aggressive at the expense of all our relationships both personal and national!”
The discovery really shook Thompson to his core.
“That’s not the Jesus I know in my heart,” he continued. “The Jesus in my heart would never give money to the poor who will just use it for alcohol and drugs. The Jesus in my heart would invest that donatable money into the stock market so the economy looks good and Donald Trump gets reelected! Or start a business and refuse to pay that poor person a penny more than the minimum wage so that the humiliation of not making a livable wage will encourage that poor guy to start his own business and then pay his own workers only the minimum wage to give back to the beautiful cycle of poverty and exploitation that makes capitalism such an amazing economic system! That’s the soul of Christian faith to me! The Jesus in my heart would have no problem with the money changers in the temple at Jerusalem because they’re probably earning dividends for shareholders. So what if the Jewish money changers’ companies are reckless and imperiled at the first sign of an economic downturn and existentially dependent on government bailouts because their CEOs are beholden to a corporate and regulatory culture in which obsession with short-term, quarterly shareholder profits have made the kind of decisions necessary for long-term fiscal health and corporate stability both ill-advised and downright illegal? The Jesus in my heart is no libtard!”
Thompson now is starting a whole new church.
“I’m going to start a Church of Trump!” Thompson explained. “No libtard sympathy for the poor for any of my congregants! And my church will be much more relaxed about sexual stuff. Christianity is so puritan and old-fashioned about sex, and our patron saint Donald Trump will set the example for us. Sexually assaulting women will be encouraged at my church. What’s good enough for Donald Trump is good enough for us! In my church it will be mandatory for men to get divorces when their wives turn 40. Only hot trophy wives in the Church of Trump! And no raising of kids or marital fidelity is required. Only alpha males are allowed in!”
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