Bill Barr, Hoarding Evidence Against Trump, Has Turned Into Gollum-Like Creature

Washington D.C.—

According to Department of Justice insiders, Attorney General Bill Barr has personally stashed every governmental report detailing criminal wrongdoing by President Donald Trump in his office, and has rarely come out during the last several months.

“It’s so weird and creepy,” explained a top Justice Department staffer who requested anonymity to describe Barr’s noticeable changes in behavior. “He keeps the lights off and has thick curtains pulled across the windows so that it’s very dark in his office, and he never comes out anymore. His office is starting to smell even with the door closed. He talks to himself all day, and seems to affectionately describe the oversight reports locked in his safe with various pet names. It’s hard to tell exactly what’s going on because he always has his door closed, and only accepts memos when they’re slid under his door, but it sounds sometimes like he’s crying to himself for hours on end. Other times he laughs maniacally for several minutes at a time. It also sounds like he hits himself a lot. There are loud thuds against the walls with books being thrown around and flapping their pages loose, and it sounds like he slams his hands with his desk drawers and shrieks. Then he spends several minutes apologizing and begging for forgiveness, but there’s no one else in there. And he refers to himself in the third person a lot, but in the last few weeks he keeps saying the name ‘Billum’ over and over while doing these weird throat gargle sounds. I’d report it to the Government Accountability Office, but, compared to the weird, gross shit I’ve heard that Donald Trump, Betsy DeVos, Ben Carson, and Steve Mnuchin do every day in their offices, Bill Barr’s weird antics seem relatively normal. Except a couple days ago where one of Barr’s aides opened the door and tried to take an expense report Barr had signed. Barr tried to grab it back and they wrestled with it for a minute and Barr bit the aide’s finger off. No one has tried to go in his office since. Still, though, you’re probably much safer with Barr than you are with our sex offender president.”

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(Picture courtesy of Alonso Javier Torres.

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