Washington D.C.—
Recent news about the arrest of serial pedophile and sex offender Jeffrey Epstein reportedly has President Donald Trump on edge, and their decades-long friendship is being looked at under the microscope of intense journalistic investigation.
Mr. Trump brought further attention to the controversy after giving Mr. Epstein a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card he apparently printed on a Microsoft Word certificate template.
To defend the legally dubious card, Trump tweeted several times this morning:
“I swear that my giving Jeff the ‘Presidential Get-Out-Of-Jail Card’ has nothing to do with the fact that I used to go to his parties. When I gave him the Card, I had no idea he was a serial pedophile!”
“I know for a fact that Jeff never hung around any preteens when around me. Everyone’s been talking lately about how old all the models that did my pageant were. Everyone’s saying they all looked at least 30. And, honestly, Jeff really wasn’t a friend of mine. I barely knew him! At some of those parties I went to, I didn’t even know they were Jeff’s private island!”
“The Fake News will report that I’ve often made sexually suggestive comments about my own daughters, but that doesn’t count! When I talked about Tiffany’s future boobs on TV, she wasn’t a teenager! She was an infant, so it’s way different! And sure, I may have said some things about Ivanka…”
“…But I was just stating facts! She’s totally bangable! All the Democrats accuse me of lying, but then they get upset when I say the truth about Ivanka! Make up your minds! I said, IF she weren’t my daughter, I’d PROBABLY be dating her. There’s a big IF there! Of course, I’m not going to date her! (But if she weren’t my daughter I totally would!)”
“So when I direct Bill Barr to interfere with New York state’s prosecution of Jeffrey Epstein, you can rest assured it has NOTHING to do with all his parties I used to attend. I don’t do teenagers. Look at Melania, she’s almost 50 now. She’s practically an old hag!”
More from The Halfway Post vault:
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!
