Washington D.C.—
Recent news about the arrest of serial pedophile and sex offender Jeffrey Epstein reportedly has President Donald Trump on edge, and their decades-long friendship is being looked at under the microscope of intense journalistic investigation.
Mr. Trump brought further attention to the controversy after giving Mr. Epstein a “Get Out Of Jail Free” card he apparently printed on a Microsoft Word certificate template.
To defend the legally dubious card, Trump tweeted several times this morning:
“I swear 100% that my giving Jeff the ‘Presidential Get-Out-Of-Jail Card’ has nothing to do with the fact that I used to go to his parties and we did some events together with our modeling agencies. When I gave him the Card, I had no idea he was a serial pedophile!”
“I know for a fact that Jeff never hung around any preteens when around me. Everyone’s been talking lately about how old all the models I worked with were. Everyone’s saying they all looked at least 30. And, honestly, Jeff really wasn’t a friend of mine. I barely knew him! At some of those parties I went to, I didn’t even know they were Jeff’s private island!”
“The Fake News will report that I’ve often made sexually suggestive comments about my own daughters, but that doesn’t count! When I talked about Tiffany’s future boobs on TV, she wasn’t a teenager! She was an infant, so it’s way different!”
“And sure, I may have said some things about Ivanka, but I was just stating facts! She’s totally bangable! All the Democrats call me a liar, but then they get upset when I say the truth about Ivanka! Make up your minds! I said, IF she weren’t my daughter, I’d probably be dating her. There’s a big IF there! Of course, I’m not going to date her! (But if she weren’t my daughter I totally could!)”
“So when I direct Bill Barr to interfere with New York state’s prosecution of Jeffrey Epstein, you can rest assured it has NOTHING to do with all his parties I used to attend. I don’t do teenagers. Look at Melania, she’s almost 50 now. She’s practically an old hag!”
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