Washington D.C.
President Donald Trump has long lobbed petty insults at Representative Adam Schiff, whose Intelligence Committee work has meant much investigative efforts into Trump’s chronic criminal activities, but it appears Mr. Trump is nervous about the idea of impeachment.
In the latest media leak of Trump’s malfeasance, a voicemail recording of the President apparently begging Schiff to stop investigating him, features the phrase “Dude, just be cool,” a full nine times.
The following is a transcript of the recording:
“Hey Adam, it’s President Donald Trump, how are you doing? I was just calling to see how you were doing. How are your daughters? How old are they again? Eh, never mind, they’re probably too old for my tastes anyway… Anyway, while I have you on the line, I was wondering if you could just be cool about all this Ukraine stuff, you know? It’s nothing major, everything was perfect, so, really, there’s no reason to look any further into it, or get those transcript files I locked up with all the other classified files. I just don’t want you to have to go through all that trouble because I know at the end all those files will make me look so innocent. I’ll look so innocent that you’d literally say, ‘Wow, President Trump is so innocent. I’ve never seen a President so innocent as him. He’s probably the squeaky cleanest President we’ve ever had.’ And I’ll tell you what. I’ll give you a 10% yearly discount at Mar-a-Lago. That’s fair right? It’s a beautiful resort. Everyone in the government stays there. And not because I want the money. Everyone made the decision to come stay totally on their own with absolutely no pressure by me. I swear, no reason to look into that. My financial books are squeaky clean. So clean, you’d say to yourself, ‘Wow, President Trump’s financial books are so innocent. I’ve never seen books so innocent as those.’ So what do you say, 10% off? And this isn’t quid pro quo either! It’s just two guys being cool about a perfect, totally legal situation. I just think you’d make a great club member. And if you drop the investigation, I’ll give you a little something something. But, like I said, I am 100% tippy top clean. Way more squeaky clean than Obama. Did you know I got double the electoral votes he got? So what do you say, Adam, can we just keep this between us? My record is spotless. There was no quid pro quo, none at all. No quid, no quo. So are you going to be cool? Please. Please, Adam. Just drop it. That’s all I ask. And it’s not for me. It’s for the American people. Everywhere I go, everyone is asking me why people think there’s quid pro quo. And I’m like, ‘I know right?’ And I go through it all: Fake News; 12 Angry Democrats; No Collusion… Collusion isn’t a crime… okay, collusion, but everyone does it; Crooked Hillary, Pencil Neck Schiff—oops, sorry, I forgot who I was talking to. And the trade war, we are creating so many jobs. How could you impeach me? It’s not my fault a trade war is coming. It’s because everyone’s afraid I’ll be impeached. The people are on my side. One Trump brand poll had my popularity at 90%. And the farmers, they’re finally on my side again. We paid them a lot. A lot a lot. We paid them off like almost the full price of food stamps. Can you imagine that? It’s basically socialism to a higher degree than anything Democrats have proposed, but my supporters are way too stupid to realize that. But I really need the farmers. I need my swing states. Like Iowa, Michigan, all of them. Did you know I won Wisconsin? They said I’d never do it. But I did it. And that’s not electoral quid pro quo about the farmers, okay! In fact, forget I mentioned any motive of executive action in pursuit of personal electoral advantage! It’s off the record! Attorney-client privilege! Executive privilege! All the privileges. You hear me, Pencil Neck Shiff? Sorry, that is so hard to stop doing. So come on, man, be cool. Right? Okay, fine! Totally free Trump club membership! A full year. You happy? Come on, man, take the deal. Drop these investigations. So clean, no collusion, everyone’s doing collusion anyway. Be cool, dude. We can all be cool here, right? We’re just all cool. Be cool. Dude, be cool. Please be cool. Thanks. Oh, real quick, have you been seeing all these photos of Ivanka talking to world leaders? I’m looking at one right now. Isn’t she great? And that body. Trump genes, what can I say? Everyone said I couldn’t do it. Some of the outfits she wears show her nipples. Check them out. Thanks, Adam.”
But no quid pro quo. So, come on man, be cool. Please be cool. Right? Thanks Adam.”
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(Photo courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)
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