The Halfway Post caught up with a local chapter group of neo-Nazis yesterday in a Skype conversation, and they claim sunburns are the sign of God’s chosen people.
“White Americans are the top of the global racial pyramid,” said Jim Van Dijk, titularly known as the “Golden Eagle,” which is the nazi fan club’s highest internal rank. “The Nazis were on to something. White people don’t need brown crayons coming in to the box of white crayons and melting the colors together, if you understand crayon metaphors. Immigrants will end American freedom, and it’s our job as patriotic Americans to put their children into cages at the border if that’s what it takes to make sure America continues being the freest country on Earth… for whites. Cause, come on, if white people were meant to mix genetically with brown people, why would we burn so bad when we’re out in the sun in their countries? We’re literally allergic to their latitude. And our skin is naturally designed to resist brown coloring. Ever since modern humans left Africa and boned a bunch of neanderthals to get out all the black DNA with their caveman sperm. They’re genetic heroes. Man, if I could just see neanderthal ejaculate. I wonder what it would feel like in my fingers. But yeah, white people are pretty much allergic to the sun because our chromosomes want to remain pure. And we can’t stay pure with all the immigrants coming in and stealing our breeding women. It’s just what God wants. God doesn’t want biracial marriage. Mixed babies don’t get sunburns like me, and that’s like damning someone to Hell just from birth. I like to think when I get a sunburn that it’s like being in epidermic prayer to God because we’re his chosen people. I love getting sunburned! I never use sunblock because God doesn’t let white people get skin cancer.”
The Halfway Post reporter reminded Van Dijk that his name indicated an obvious descent from Holland, and therefore he too was a descendant of immigrants who came to this melting pot country for opportunity, just like every other immigrant ever, no matter what color of skin.
“But my ancestors don’t count as bad immigrants, because they came before the cutoff point,” Van Dijk explained. “Immigration was fine until about the 1930s. Everyone counts who came over before then. Except the Asians who built the railroads. They doesn’t count. And the Jews. Catholics made the cut, but just barely. And everyone who came from anywhere south of Texas, they’re out. Only white people from Europe count. No brown crayons, no tan crayons. America is white crayon people. Well, maybe not all Europeans. Do Poles count? Definitely not the Ashkenazi. What about Italians? They tan pretty easily. America needs to keep its people’s skin pale. I don’t want to have to see a tan person and wonder if I’m about to be terrorist attacked, you know? That’s not what America is about. So maybe we should limit immigration to the more Northern countries. Iceland, Ireland, Germany for sure, the British, obviously. Of course the Swedes. French? Ehh, they’re socialist, not the French. Well, the Vichy were cool. They were into the Nazis. Anyway, anyone above the Dutch are chill for sure. Preferably Protestant. Yeah, you know what? Catholics are out. Eastern Orthodox are cool, though. Actually, I don’t know much about Eastern Orthodox. Greeks are cool though. Yeah, Greeks can come in—they kind of started the whole Western World thing, so they’re okay. But they have to stay out of the sun cause they tan easy, too. If they stay pale, they can stay. Russia… I’m not sure about Russians. They’re white, but I don’t really know what the whole Slavic thing is about. Like, maybe some drops of Jewish blood got in here and there? Is anyone sure if Russian bloodlines are pure? Like, are they fake white, or are they real white? Tell you what, Russia is on racial probation. This is important stuff, you know… super important stuff. If America can get over, like, 99% white, we’ll truly be made great again. Everyone will have a job and, and I’ll have so many breeding females to worship my pearly white, cherubic children and do the dishes and cook and stuff. Yeah. Feminists shouldn’t be allowed in America either. They’re just as bad as the terrorists, so I have no idea how they still have white skin. They don’t belong in my white American race. It’s about time ‘American’ became its own race, don’t you think? We deserve it. And I swear I’m not racist.”
Asked what scientific metrics backed up any of those hierarchy, Mr. Van Dijk claimed the Bible did.
“The Bible is totally clear that white people are the chosen people. It’s 100% in both the Old and New Testaments. Maybe Moses, Jesus, Paul, and everyone else may have historically and literally been Middle Eastern brown people, but it was always implied that they were referencing the future United States of America. God was always murdering whole towns and city-states for the Israelites, and who does that now? America. That’s why we have the best military. God blesses us. Throughout history, the whiter humans have gotten, and the better their militaries got. And don’t forget that white America defeated white Germany, and then we did it again against white Russia in the Cold War, so we’re like the victorious whitest of the white. And, of course, Kuwait had no chance. They live in the dessert. That is like the most unwhitest thing any race could do. White America is unstoppable. Well, except for in Vietnam, but that doesn’t count. It wasn’t the white man’s turf. And Afghanistan doesn’t count either, the clock is still going on that one. We may still pull off a tie if we can get another surge or two. And the war on obesity. That one might actually very well finally sink us.”
Our Halfway Post reporter stared at Mr. Van Dijk on the screen and awkwardly hung up the Skype call.