Washington D.C.—
In a truly bizarre rant during a press conference this afternoon, President Donald Trump waxed poetically about the friendship he could have had with Osama bin Laden had the jihadi leader not been assassinated.
“Osama was a strong leader, you gotta admit it. His people, they really respected him. Sometimes you have to be tough. He was tough on us, but, you know, America can be pretty tough, too. I bet Osama would have loved to do a deal with me. I get along so well with tough foreign leaders. Putin likes me, Kim likes me, MBS loves me. I tell you what, I would have gotten Osama such tremendous arms deals, you wouldn’t believe it. Yeah, Osama might kill some people here and there, but that’s what running a country is like over there! And I’d be making America so much money with missile deals for Osama, and fighter jet deals, and tank deals, and all kinds of deals. Maybe if Barack Obama had just talked to bin Laden, we could have made a lot of money with him. I wonder if Osama ever read Art of the Deal. If he were still around, I’d mail him a copy. Can you imagine the real estate deals I could have made in those mountains on the Afghan-Pakistan border? If I could have gotten just one summit with Osama like I’ve been having with Kim, I could have made a killing! They’re so poor over there! I could build a one-story hotel and it’d be the tallest building for miles. Wouldn’t that be something? Osama—why’d you have to leave us so soon? We could have had one of the best friendships. A beautiful friendship. I bet he’d write me the most beautiful letters. He’s tough, I’m tough, we could have fallen in love like me and Kim. Boy, if there was ever an accomplishment of Obama’s I could undo, it would be that mission that killed bin Laden!
The press corps stared silently, mouths agape. The President stood looking rather pleased with himself until he saw his daughter Ivanka walk by, and he motioned at her with his hands pantomiming the act of grabbing her breasts.
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