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- Donald Trump is reportedly demanding the FCC ban on-air references to his throat vagina, diaper bulge, urine smell, feces smell, clown makeup, dentures, fake hair, and any mention of him regularly falling asleep and passing wet gas in cabinet meetings.
- JD Vance, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Ron DeSantis, and Nikki Haley are furious Trump keeps joking about running for a third term because they’ve been waiting 10 years for Trump to finally get out of the way of their decades-long presidential dreams.
- Trump is reportedly threatening to put giant tarps over all of D.C.’s Smithsonian museums if they do an exhibit on presidential rankings because he knows nearly all expert historians rank his first term in the bottom five, and his second term is going even worse.
- Mitch McConnell’s staff are reportedly planning a big announcement for the day after the Kentucky special election deadline passes.
- Elon Musk’s effort to create an “UnWoke, historically accurate Odyssey” movie has hit an obstacle because his Grok AI has gone rogue and is refusing to waste so much water and electricity on such a dumb project.
- Trump has reportedly offered to admit he knowingly lied for years about the Obama Birther conspiracy in exchange for Obama agreeing not to also run for a third term against him in 2028.
- Saudi officials say they can’t believe Trump would back out of the nuclear deal he signed with them, and dishonor the value of his word and commitment.
- Political pundits are calling on Pete Buttigieg to do a filmed documentary project going on a national tour stopping at every “MAGA Merch” store in the US, and talking to the shoppers and store owners to convince all the biggest MAGA nuts in America that Trump isn’t doing anything to help their lives.
- A top GOP official who claims he visited Mitch McConnell in the hospital says the 84-year-old senator seems much younger and vibrant than his age, and “has the energy of someone not a day older than than 79.”
- Trump reportedly keeps hanging up so many gold ornaments all around the White House because he’s addicted to huffing the glue he uses to stick them to the wall.
- Mitch McConnell’s sister is reportedly ready to pull the plug on Mitch so she can take over as Kentucky’s senator.
- Trump admits his 2nd term might be going “a little off the rails” with Iran, gas prices, inflation, and the D.C. demolitions, but he promises if we give the GOP even bigger Congressional majorities in the midterms “we’ll get sick of all the winning for real this time.”
- Trump’s biggest Christian nationalist allies are reportedly furious with him and threatening to vote Democratic in the midterms over his deal to let Muslims start enriching uranium and get on the pathway to nukes, while al-Qaeda and ISIS are celebrating.
- Trump’s White House lawyers are reportedly warning him that Katie Phang’s litigation against Todd Blanche for the Epstein Files and the BBC’s litigation against Trump’s companies are “really, really bad for him.”
- Mitch McConnell just returned, says he didn’t have a stroke he was just returning to the beach where he was hatched so he could lay dozens of eggs.
- Miss an episode of my Brain Milk podcast? I recently chatted with Adrian Polk, Ericka Kopp VA-1, and Ellie Leonard!
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect book for you: Trump Comedy. I’ve also published two others: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 