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- In an interview this morning Donald Trump was asked if his announcement that he intends to run for a third term means Barack Obama can run a third time too, and he got silent and frowned for several seconds, folded his arms across his chest, and said, “No.”
- The BBC reportedly set up a thermal camera at Donald Trump’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner and recorded him having “numerous thermal events” including nineteen farts, six dribbles of pee, and one shart.
- This week’s most viral Internet heartthrobs are Jimothy the Raccoon, Matt Damon’s Odysseus, and Andrew Tate’s cannibal jail cell neighbor.
- Several White House doctors watching Trump’s Correspondents’ Dinner speech accidentally burst out laughing in their White House offices when Trump announced he’d run again in 2028.
- A top GOP official says that, because Murkowski and Collins are “hysterical women” and Tillis and Cornyn are “butt-hurt” about MAGA ending their careers, “We need to admit McConnell is brain-dead and replace him, or we won’t have the votes to pass anything Trump wants!”
- Trump has reportedly declared war against the Smithsonian Institute because historians there told him that Obama and Biden have risen a couple spots each in their presidential rankings because of how calm and competent their administrations seem compared to him.
- Andrew Tate is reportedly worried his cannibal jail cell neighbor isn’t giving him his desserts at meals to be nice, but to fatten him up before eating him.
- The FBI has reportedly completed its list of everyone who has ever posted online that Donald Trump is a rapist, he wears diapers, or he’s America’s Hitler, but the list includes literally every American who isn’t named Trump.
- Trump is reportedly furious that the BBC is fighting his $10 billion lawsuit and legally acquiring all his sketchy financial records full of fraud and corrupt bribes instead of just settling like all the US companies did.
- Trump’s newest plan to get around court orders stopping him from adding his name to the Kennedy Center is to build a much bigger gold-colored building like a shell all around the Kennedy Center, which will have his name on the outside.
- MAGA fans are revolting against Donald Trump after the announcement of his Saudi nuclear deal because they voted for him to crusade for Christianity, not let Muslims build nukes.
- To calm himself down after seeing how much money The Odyssey has made in its opening week despite it’s Woke casting, Elon Musk has reportedly watched the Melania documentary three nights in a row.
- A new poll found that 100% of Democrats want Andy Beshear to tell the Kentucky GOP to go f*ck themselves and then appoint a Democratic senator to give Kentuckians back half their Senate representation while counter-suing every GOP lawsuit for the next 6 months.
- The TikTok account of Lindsey Graham’s sister’s Senate campaign is reportedly being harassed by a group of Gen Z influencer mean girls commenting on her every post about how she’s a “rizz-less nepo-sister.”
- Mitch McConnell’s Twitter account reportedly just posted and quickly deleted, “I’m not dead, YOU’RE DEAD!”
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect book for you: Trump Comedy. I’ve also published two others: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 