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- White House officials are reportedly worried for Trump’s young aide Natalie Harp’s welfare because the cyclosporiasis diarrhea epidemic is raging across the US, and Trump’s exclusive fast food diet puts him at extreme risk of repeat infections.
- An unknown prankster reportedly set up a dozen life-sized cardboard cutouts of Josh Hawley in various closets throughout the Capitol Building.
- Secret Service agents are reportedly demanding extra “stench pay” when working in close proximity to Trump because of his “excretory incidents.”
- Trump reportedly needed to get his new hair piece because while gluing more gold decorations all over the Oval Office he absentmindedly glued one to his head, and removing it tore out his old hair piece.
- Congressional Republicans are complaining about their colleagues’ calls for canceling the August recess until the SAVE Act passes because they don’t want to delay their summer vacations with their mistresses, gay escorts, AIPAC lobbyists, and Russian money launderers.
- After Trump asked his lawyers why Todd Blanche is making him look guilty of pedophilia, rape, and sex-trafficking by getting outsmarted in court by Katie Phang, his lawyers reportedly just stared at him for several moments until he fell asleep in his chair.
- Cable news executives are reportedly hoping the Max Miller threatening-to-kill-his-wife-and-kid controversy blows over quickly so they can go back to spending all their time attacking Democratic candidates.
- A reporter asked Mike Johnson at a press conference today, “Should we bother asking you any questions about Max Miller’s alleged child abuse, Trump’s latest Iran deal, or his Capital One money laundering scandal, or have you not heard about any of them yet?”
- Several US and international golf organizations are reportedly working to ban Trump from any official participation in the sport because of his “decades of confirmed cheating,” as well as his recent effort to turn his courses into cemeteries to avoid taxes.
- Jared and Ivanka Kushner are reportedly pissed the world keeps mass protesting against all their investment proposals, like the Albanian Epstein Island and the FIFA buy-in, because they have billions of dollars in influence peddling profits to launder.
- Trump reportedly had a nightmare last night in which he died and was buried under a tombstone shaped like a urinal, on which Americans paid $1 and tourists paid $5 to pee, with all proceeds going toward building wind turbines and monuments to Obama and Biden.
- Top GOP officials are worried that, if they force Max Miller to resign, he’ll start outing all the other violent woman-abusers and drug addicts in the Republican House caucus, and Democrats will win a bunch of safe red districts in the midterms.
- Secret Service agents are reportedly now widely using Vicks VapoRub under their noses when working in close proximity to Trump.
- A MAGA voter just had an epiphany that if Trump is capable of lying about the Reflecting Pool vandalism, Trump might also be capable of lying about having an Obamacare replacement plan.
- Bill Barr is reportedly relieved Todd Blanche got confirmed because now he’s safe for at least two more years from being subpoenaed by the DOJ to explain why in 2019 he killed the NM investigation into Epstein’s Zorro Ranch and rumors that many victims are buried there.
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If you think Donald Trump is a joke, I published the perfect book for you: Trump Comedy. I’ve also published two others: Satire In The Trump Years and Satire In The Biden Years.
Also check out my four existentialist poetry books: Cabaret No Stare, Moon Goon, Hotel Golden Hours, and Nostradoofus.
The Halfway Post 