After a mysterious absence for several days in which he missed multiple scheduled cable news appearances, Trump lawyer Rudy Giuliani has returned with wild claims that he had been abducted by aliens.
Mr. Giuliani described his alleged abduction in an interview with Fox News’s Sean Hannity.
“This time was a little different than the first time!” exclaimed Giuliani. “They still took me aboard their ship and did all kinds of medical testing on me with robotic machinery, but this time they put some type of probe with all kinds of bells and whistles deep inside my anus. At first I thought it might be the Russians trying to get some kind of kompromat video of me like they got Trump—you know, that’s pretty standard operating procedure for the Russians—but when these beings finally showed their faces I could see they weren’t human at all! They had grey skin, and very elongated bodies. Their noses were just slits on their faces, and they had big, disproportionate eyes. One of them pleasured me sexually for a deposit before explaining to me in oddly accented English that President Donald Trump was a threat to our entire planet, and that I should stop acting as his lawyer. I wish I could figure out what that coded alien message they were trying to pass on to me meant. But I swear I’m not lying! The probe is still up there. I’ve been making the metal detectors at the White House go haywire all week since I returned to Earth! But it’s blocking me up a little bit. They rammed it up in me pretty deep and I can’t reach it. I tell you, those aliens better come back and give it a little adjusting. I’m not trying to go out like Elvis! I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my life, and I’m afraid my bowels are eventually going to blow out like a fire hydrant, or when you put your thumb on the side of a hose. And the worst part is before they abducted me I had just eaten a bunch of grapes!”
Sean Hannity’s face was pale as he called for a commercial break.
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