After a mysterious absence for several days in which he missed multiple scheduled cable news appearances, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani has returned with wild claims that he was abducted by aliens.
Mr. Giuliani described his alleged abduction in an interview with Fox News’ Sean Hannity.
“It was like nothing I’ve ever seen!” exclaimed Giuliani. “They took me aboard their ship and did all kinds of medical testing on me with robotic machinery. They put some kind of probe deep inside my anus. Every couple minutes or so I feel it vibrate a little. At first I thought it might be the Russians trying to get some kind of kompromat video of me like they got Trump—you know, that’s pretty standard operating procedure for the Russians—but, when these beings finally showed themselves, I could see they weren’t human at all. They had grey skin, and very elongated bodies. Their noses were just slits on their faces, and they had giant, disproportionate eyes. One of them pleasured me sexually before explaining to me in a weirdly accented English that President Donald Trump was a threat to our entire planet, and that I should stop acting as his lawyer. I can’t figure out what kind of coded alien message they were trying to pass on. But I swear I’m not making this up! The probe is still up there, and it’s blocking me up a little bit, if you know what I mean. Those aliens better come back and give it a little adjusting. I’m not trying to go out like Elvis! I’ve never been more uncomfortable in my life, and I’m afraid it’s eventually going to blow out like a fire hydrant or when you put your thumb on the side of a hose. And the worst part is, before they abducted me I had just eaten a lot of grapes!”
Sean Hannity’s face was white as he called for a commercial break.
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