Washington D.C.—
According to White House insiders, Vice President Mike Pence is getting cold feet over having to debate Kamala Harris.
“Pence is desperately searching for a Biblical excuse to get out of the debate,” explained a VP aide who requested anonymity to discuss Pence’s apprehensions. “He is worried about losing the debate since Harris is such an impressive prosecutor, which he thinks would reflect poorly on God’s insistence on a patriarchal hierarchy. He thinks it would dishonor Christians for him to look submissive and weak next to a strong woman. He thought he would try to pick out a flashy outfit that conveyed toughness and strength, and he showed us an idea he had, but it really didn’t pan out like he thought it would. His outfit featured a series of leather straps, tight leather pants, and a long whip attached to his belt, but we had to awkwardly explain that that outfit made him look quite a bit like a homosexual dominatrix.”
However, Pence tried a few other outfits.
“The second outfit he tried featured a leopard print shirt with a very deep V neckline, and a sailor hat. We had to tell him it didn’t look very vice presidential, and, once again, looked very homosexual. His third outfit featured tight jean shorts and a crop top, and finally we told him he should probably just stick with the traditional suit. He told us he wanted his strategy to include some sartorial pizazz to win the debate by making Kamala look drab and boring next to him, and he reminded us that television debates were a visual medium. Luckily we convinced him that Trump’s conservative voters were expecting traditional fashion choices, and that bold fashion statements would make conservatives mistake him for a Hollywood coastal elitist. But then he got real depressed because he thought he still needed some kind of surprise to throw Kamala off her game. He opened up his Bible and started reading aloud all these excerpts about women being submissive and obedient to men, and told us he couldn’t debate Kamala or he’d let down God. Then he locked himself in a closet, and hasn’t come out yet. Hopefully we can coax him out soon.”
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