According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump has recently begun asking his lawyers, political advisers, and casual Mar-a-Lago acquaintances what prison is like, but Mr. Trump is reportedly adamant that he is only asking “for a friend.”
He also says his curiosity has nothing to do with his cratering poll numbers in the election against Joe Biden.
“The President asked me yesterday what prison was like because he knew my older brother had spent a few years in prison for some bank fraud a decade ago,” said Trump Organization lawyer Adam Lidderman. “Trump then told me he wasn’t worried at all for himself, but that he had this friend who was really curious, and that if I told him about my brother’s experience he’d pass it on to his friend. So I told him about some of the challenges and struggles, and the President’s ears turned bright red, though I imagine his whole face did, too, under all that orange foundation makeup. Then he threw up on my shoes. He said he wasn’t nervous, but that he must have eaten a bad McDonalds Filet-o-Fish that morning. The President then asked me how many years’ worth of a sentence his friend would hypothetically get if his friend had hypothetically raped a couple dozen people, committed hundreds of millions of dollars in wire fraud, misled investors, lied on his tax returns, ran a fake charity, obstructed justice, intimidated witnesses, committed campaign finance violations, slandered his various accusers, libeled his critics, retaliated against his whistleblowers, incited white supremacist violence, sold pardons, used his public government job for personal gain, colluded with foreign governments for political gain, did a few human rights violations at the border, discriminated against Muslims and various other social groups, harmed America’s national security in a substantial number of criminally negligent ways, assassinated civilians in other countries, intentionally withheld COVID assistance from blue states, gave malpractice medical advice on fake COVID cures that killed people, perjured himself here and there, committed too many Hatch Act violations to count, and violated the Constitution’s Emoluments Clause every day for four years. I told him that his friend would probably spend the rest of his life in prison, and then the President threw up again. He thanked me for telling him, and said he’d pass my information on to his friend. Then he asked me if I happened to have any proof that the election was a fraud.”
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