Washington D.C.—
According to anonymous White House staffers, President Donald Trump is addicted to huffing Sharpie brand permanent markers.
“It has gotten to be a bit of an addiction problem,” explained an aide to Vice President Mike Pence, who frequently coordinates messaging with Trump in the Oval Office. “I’ve heard the first thing he does when he wakes up is pop off the cap of two Sharpies and stuff them up his nose to help himself wake up. I believe it because every time I see him he has at least one uncapped sharpie sticking out of his breast pocket of his suit jacket that he’ll lean his head down and take a big whiff of every few minutes. The reason his schedule is always so full of ‘Executive Hours’ is because after noon his mind is gone. He turns on Fox News and stumbles around mumbling to himself in a Sharpie-induced daze.”
A White House janitor anonymously confirmed Trump’s excessive use of Sharpies.
“Every time I empty out the trash cans in the Oval Office and the White House residency they’re filled with Sharpies,” the janitor said. “I’m quite concerned about the waste of taxpayer money on all these markers.”
Several Trump Administration policy strategists admitted that Trump’s frequent mental impairment from his drug of choice hamstrings effective governance.
“You can tell from the President’s ludicrous tweets that chronically being high off huffing markers isn’t doing his presidency any good,” one strategist said. “I actually take it upon myself to go into his desk drawers and steal his Sharpies ahead of important phone calls with foreign leaders. He likes his desk stocked with dozens of them at a time, so he goes ballistic if he dials up Putin and opens his desk drawers to find all the markers are gone. But it’s a matter of national security, you know?”
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