Mike Pence Asks God Every Day To Not Let Trump Replace Him With Nikki Haley

Washington D.C.—

According to White House insiders, Vice President Mike Pence spends an hour every day during lunch praying to God to not let President Donald Trump replace him with Nikki Haley as the Republican VP nominee ahead of November.

“Mike has been very worried about this,” explained a VP staffer, who requested anonymity to discuss Mr. Pence’s private fears. “He knows their 2020 electoral poll numbers are in the toilet, and he’s very afraid Trump will dump him and pick someone else to shake up the race. Obviously Nikki Haley would be the best bet to try to reverse Joe Biden’s widening advantage with suburban women. And Mike knows the announcement to replace him could come very soon because Trump will likely want to steal the press attention Biden gets when he announces his own VP, or maybe Trump will announce it in the middle of Biden’s speech during the DNC Convention this month. I’ve actually never seen Mike get so mad at God before. Mike has made a couple threats. He’s already furious at God because he felt like God duped him back in 2016. Mike only accepted the VP role for such a gross, irreligious person as Trump because he thought for sure God would impeach and remove Trump, or send a heart attack his clogged arteries’ way so that Mike would be president. Mike is livid that God didn’t finish the job on impeachment. He’s calmed down a little bit in recent weeks, though, as he has grudgingly accepted the reality that Trump will most likely finish out the term. But the closer it gets to the Democrats’ convention, the more desperate Mike is becoming. I can hear him through his closed door pleading with God to make Nikki Haley get pregnant in an illicit affair, or get into a publicly ugly divorce, or go blind so she won’t be able to accept an offer from Trump to be the new VP pick. He has even called Nikki a ‘hussy’ to God, and promised to donate money to Planned Parenthood if God lets her become the new VP pick. Yesterday I heard him threatening God that he’d covet his neighbor’s wife if anything happened to his spot on the Republican ticket.”

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