GOP: “Open Schools So Jesus Can Get More Angels In Heaven”

Washington D.C.—

Top officials in the Republican National Convention have crafted new talking points for Congressional Republicans to use while defending the Trump Administration’s insistence on opening schools back up, despite medical and scientific evidence suggesting such a move will supercharge the spread of COVID19 throughout America.

The following is a copy of the talking points that leaked to The Halfway Post:

  1. Repeat the President’s claim that kids don’t develop symptoms of COVID. The news that children actually CAN get very sick from COVID hasn’t yet spread very far in conservative media, so we have a nice window here to pretend children are immune in which we can shove all the kids back into school before conservatives catch on. Then we can pretend afterwards no one knew children could get sick, too.
  2. Really talk up what a hell-hole Earthly existence is so that parents are more willing to accept their children dying. Remind them that Heaven is a paradise, so children dying is actually a GOOD thing for them.
  3. Suggest that if children die sooner rather than later, their number of sins will be much lower than if they lived full lives, so they have a better chance of getting into Heaven.
  4. You can always repeat the tried and true mantra that “God works in mysterious ways,” and remind your voters that it’s best not to wonder what the Trump Administration COULD have done differently to avoid so much COVID carnage. Maybe carnage is what God wants, and who are we to question His grand, master plan?
  5. Turn this into a fight against socialism. Ask your constituents whether they’d rather have their children be still alive or socialist.
  6. Suggesting Democrats are politicizing COVID in order to get America hooked on communist unemployment plays well in rural districts, but less so in the suburbs. If you represent a suburban district, just ignore COVID entirely, and focus all your campaigning on the theme Trump recently tweeted about Democrats wanting to destroy suburbs with low-income housing. But don’t specifically warn white, traditionally conservative suburbanites that black neighbors will move in! We want dog whistles, not bullhorns!
  7. Get creative claiming Democrats intentionally spread COVID in America to hurt Trump’s reelection. For instance, does Nancy Pelosi wear a necklace with a little bottle of coronavirus in it? People are talking!
  8. Really talk up what a noble and bold sacrifice it was for Grandma and Grandpa to sacrifice their lives for the economy. Make people feel good about needless deaths, not sad!
  9. Blame Obama for not having any COVID19 tests. Call him lazy for stopping at COVID16.
  10. In a last ditch effort, President Trump is prepared to blame Coronavirus Czar Mike Pence for all of America’s COVID failures, and replace him with Nikki Haley. Get ready to try and convince your constituents that Mike Pence was secretly a Democrat focused on sabotaging Trump all along.

From The Halfway Post vault:

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