God Admits He Really Loves Working In Incomprehensible, Mysterious Ways

Heaven—

The Halfway Post today sat down with God for a brief phone conversation. The following is a transcript of the talk, lightly edited for clarity:

THP: Hey, God, thanks for agreeing to this conversation. We just wanted to ask if everything is going okay.

GOD: I’ve never been better! Why do you ask?

THP: Well, from down here, things seem to be going a bit haywire. This year has been crazy. Starting with the massive forest fires in Australia, then Trump’s impeachment and Republican refusal to defend their own legislative checks on presidential overreach, of course COVID, and the US military admitting that UFOs seem to be real, and so on. It seems like Earth is starting to really go off the rails a bit.

GOD: Yeah, isn’t it wild? I got bored with the stability that Obama gave the world. Remember when he was president, and you all could sometimes go an entire month without paying attention to governmental bureaucracy because things for the most part were handled professionally? Well, I’m shaking things up a bit. Now you can’t go ten minutes without worrying about the imminent collapse of global civilization! The truth is, I like it when My master plan is entirely incomprehensible. I get a lot more prayers that way. Prayers are like crack for Me. I really get off to people praying to Me to not let their grandparents get COVID, to not let Trump win reelection, to not let any Trump kids run for president in 2024, to not let the stock market finally begin to financially acknowledge that American society is crumbling and collapsing, and so on. Trump is killing it, literally and figuratively. He’s getting a bunch of people killed, and inspiring a ton of people to pray to Me. He’s like the greatest Christian wingman ever. People are so worried, angry, fearful and terrified thanks to him that My prayer portfolio has never looked better!”

THP: Well, are you ever going to let things calm down soon?

GOD: I’ll never tell! Christians have always said that I work in mysterious ways to justify all the terrible things that happen despite My alleged infinite love for humanity, and they’re right! I love when reality is totally incoherent! I can’t get enough of listening to Christians rationalize My supposed grand plan. I love when they make up shit to their kids about why their pets die, and why there are homeless people, and why their teeth develop so disorderly that they need to fill their mouths with metal, and why their teenaged faces break out all over with dermatological volcanoes leaking pus, and why all the other kids at school are so mean, and why so many animal species eat their own young, and why almost everyone famous is only successful because their parents were rich. The truth is, My favorite thing to do is listen to parents lie to their children!”

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