Due to the political controversies over abortion rights in the US, God is reportedly furious that conservatives claim to speak for what He wants.
“Anywhere from 25-50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, so why do conservatives think I’m so against abortion?” God demanded in a seemingly intoxicated rant during a brief phone conversation with The Halfway Post. “I love aborting babies! Have you ever seen a nature documentary? I did not design Earth or nature as a soft, cuddly place for fetuses and newborns! Have you ever seen a mommy crab give birth to hundreds of baby crabs and just sit there eating them as they hatch? I love that stuff! You know how many species eat their young? I do, because I’m God, and it’s a fuck ton! I hate kids. All you humans are like my kids, and I hate 99% of you! Why do you think I designed Hell? I want to watch you fuckers burn for eternity. I’m not a nice guy. I don’t know why conservatives are always acting like I think every life is sacred. You know how much life on this planet gets eaten alive every single day? Jesus Christ, give Me a break. I’ll let you in on a little secret: there’s way more evangelical conservatives in Hell than liberals! Ha! I’m anti-anti-abortion!”
Painting courtesy of Guercino: God The Father And Angel.