God Is Reportedly Pissed Conservatives Don’t Give Him Credit For Aborting All The Miscarriage Babies

Heaven

Due to the political controversies over abortion rights in the US, God is reportedly furious that conservatives claim to speak for what He wants.

“Anywhere from 25-50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, so why do conservatives think I’m so against abortion?” God demanded in a seemingly intoxicated rant during a brief phone conversation with The Halfway Post. “I love aborting babies! Have you ever seen a nature documentary? I did not design Earth or nature as a soft, cuddly place for fetuses and newborns! Have you ever seen a mommy crab give birth to hundreds of baby crabs and just sit there eating them as they hatch? I love that stuff! You know how many species eat their young? I do, because I’m God, and it’s a fuck ton! I hate kids. All you humans are like my kids, and I hate 99% of you! Why do you think I designed Hell? I want to watch you fuckers burn for eternity. I’m not a nice guy. I don’t know why conservatives are always acting like I think every life is sacred. You know how much life on this planet gets eaten alive every single day? Jesus Christ, give Me a break. I’ll let you in on a little secret: there’s way more evangelical conservatives in Hell than liberals! Ha! I’m anti-anti-abortion!”

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Painting courtesy of Guercino: God The Father And Angel.

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