Washington D.C.—
President Donald Trump once again mocked Joe Biden’s Christian faith, this time alleging a number of superfluously fictitious claims in a Twitter thread:
“Joe Biden will end all religion in America! He hates Jesus even more than he hates God and the Sacred Phantom! If Jesus were to come back today, Biden and the Democrats would force him to be gay! Jesus would have no choice but to be boyfriends with Judas…”
“…Or Pete Buttigieg, who is so gay he likes other men! That’s as gay as you can get! Democrats will force Jesus to learn Norwegian, but if English was good enough for the Bible to be written in thousands of years ago, I think it’s just fine for Jesus!”
“Trust me, Joe Biden is not a Christian. He hates America so much he’ll flood the entire country and drown everyone! But voting Trump in November is like getting an ark to take you to safety. Just like Jesus’ ark!”
“No one knows more about arks than me, except Jesus. A lot of people don’t know this, but Jesus only put 2 of every animal on the ark. I’d do better deals to get at least 4 of every animal. Joe Biden couldn’t get any! If he wins, he’ll kill all the animals. Americans will never eat meat again!”
“America will not be safe if Joe Biden wins! He’s even more dangerous than Lyin’ Hillary! But thankfully I won in 2016 (no one thought Wisconsin was possible)! I parted the blue sea of coastal elites, just like Jesus parted the Red Sea and led the Jews to Sodomy and Gamorrah!”
“And the Democrats will also force Jesus to be socialist! Can you imagine Democrats getting their way and forcing Jesus to have to share all his hard-earned money with the poor and the diseased? Gross! That idea is unAmerican, and against the Bible!”
“And Democrats won’t stop there! If baby Jesus were born today, Joe Biden would abort him! Not me! I’m the most pro-life president of all time! I’ve only paid for a couple abortions here and there, but Joe Biden wants to abort every Christian baby in America… even Jesus!”
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!
The Halfway Post 
3 thoughts