Washington D.C.—
A group of Republican lawmakers in Congress founded a new caucus last week that they are calling the “Dictator Club” to promote President Donald Trump’s authoritarian interests in Congress.
The Dictator Club will have two chapters, one for the Senate and one for the House of Representatives. In the House chapter, the founding members are Jim Jordan (OH), Matt Gaetz (FL), and Louie Gohmert (TX). In the Senate chapter, the founding members are Lindsey Graham (SC), Ron Johnson (WI), and John Kennedy (LA).
Senator Ted Cruz (TX) really wants to join as well, but the other members have yet to invite him for fear that Cruz’s membership will scare away other prospective Dictator Club members.
“We’re trying to attract some female members, and Ted Cruz’s existence is the biggest c***-block in history,” explained Matt Gaetz. “There’s something about him that makes women feel uncomfortable and unsafe. Several women have told me that when Ted Cruz makes direct eye contact with them they all of a sudden get their periods. It’s like their bodies are so disgusted by Ted Cruz that their uteruses just start flushing everything to ensure there’s no chance in Hell Ted Cruz DNA gets anywhere near their eggs. Susan Collins told me that when Ted Cruz introduced himself to her on his first day in the Senate and shook her hand she got her first menopausal hot flash. Her very first impression of Ted literally made her body just give up on ever reproducing ever again.”
The Dictator Club is planning to meet every Wednesday afternoon for an hour. Members will participate in a number of activities, including perusing magazines for pictures in which President Trump’s hands look big so they can tear them out and show him, recording informal polls amongst themselves so that Trump can finally get some poll results where he’s not losing the election by double digits, and taking turns doing each other’s makeup so they can all have an orange facial appearance like Trump.
The Dictator Club is also planning a weekly contest to see who can convince foreign governments to fabricate the most dirt about Joe Biden’s family, and the weekly winner gets the privilege of massaging Trump’s feet during his daily “Executive Hours.”
Jim Jordan won the honor last week, and Trump was so delighted by Jordan’s strong hand muscles developed from his wrestling days that the President invited Mr. Jordan to give him an oily rubdown before his bath last Thursday evening. The other Dictator Club members were very curious what Trump and Jordan did in the late-night visit at the White House residency, but Mr. Jordan said that he “never reveals what happens in locker-rooms.”
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