God is reportedly pissed that Republicans keep saying He’s against abortion, and just released the following statement to prove otherwise:
“Stop putting words in my mouth! I am not anti-abortion! Anywhere from 25–50% of pregnancies end in miscarriage, and many women don’t even realize they ever got pregnant before it naturally ends, so why do conservatives think I’m so adamant women should not have control over their own bodies and reproductive rights? In general, I can’t say that death and murder bother Me much. Have you ever seen a nature documentary? There’s nothing that gets Me going more than a pack of wolves chasing down and eating a baby deer or sheep. The universe is not a very pleasant place for fetuses, newborns, and babies! Have you ever seen a mommy crab just sit there with her thousands of baby crabs eating them as they hatch? I love that stuff! You know how many species have to give birth to hundreds of young at a time because the only way the species continues on genetically is if enough are born to fill up mommy’s tummy so the others have a chance to run or swim away and grow up? I do, and it’s a f*** ton! Why do you think I designed Hell? I love suffering! I’m not a nice deity. Though I have calmed down considerably since the Old Testament days. Creating alcohol enzymes back then really took Me down a dark path. I created one of those built-in water dispenser refrigerators for Myself up in Heaven and filled it with chardonnay. That’s why there are black holes. I don’t even know how to make them sober. But I find more every time I wake up after blacking out. Let’s just say I was in a rough patch for a few millennia, and got carried away with the sadism. Which is why I don’t know why conservatives go around saying I think every life is sacred. I’m not pro-life. You know how many organisms on this planet from single-cells all the way up to even humans get eaten alive every single day? Frankly, I’m anti-anti-abortion! You know how many cities I’ve burned down? You know how many ancient peoples I demanded be genocided? You know all those human rights violations you’ve thought up? I invented all of them! And remember when I aborted virtually all of humanity with the flood? You know how many pregnant women and fetuses died that day? I’m actually kind of embarrassed about that one. I totally botched My original Creation. And it really bit Me in the butt in the deity club. Zeus never lets Me live it down. I mean, here I am, totally omniscient and omnipotent, and My first Creation goes haywire from Me programming you sapien monkeys to sin so much that I eventually had to just shut it all down. I looked through the genetic code, and, of course, it was literally just one closing bracket I forgot that threw off the whole stabilization logarithm I designed to keep you all from ruining yourselves. Total rookie mistake!”
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