During a weekly presidential meeting in the Oval Office, Vice President Mike Pence noticed that the Bible he purchased for his boss Donald Trump as an inauguration gift sat horizontally on a bookshelf with a full coating of dust.
“Mike told us that he was a little bummed when he noticed that,” explained a VP aide, who requested anonymity to candidly discuss the emotions he knew Mr. Pence would never reveal publicly. “He’s been trying really hard to turn the President into a religious man, but the President just doesn’t have a humble bone in his body. Trump has no patience for higher authorities, I’m afraid, and often makes self-idolizing comments that just stun Pence, who is so religious he asks God for forgiveness when he accidentally sees his own reproductive organs in a urinal stall. Mike even took the time to pick out Biblical verses that he thought related to the monumental task of being president and put color-coded sticky notes on the pages for easy searching for Trump, but those little color tabs sticking out from the pages are coated in dust, too. It seemed likely that Trump hadn’t even touched the book once since he put it there two Januaries ago after his inauguration parties. This week, Mike was already upset with the President because of the child-separation thing going on at the border, so seeing that Trump was a total waste of a Bible gift kind of put Mike in a bad spot. He considers himself a Bible foster parent, and he spends much of his free-time collecting Bibles and taking them out for ‘walks’ he calls them, where he takes out all of his Bibles one at a time and reads a passage out of the Old Testament so each Bible gets a chance to be read from every day. He makes jokes that he’s like a Bible-sitter. He usually reads the Old Testament because he thinks he can find an anti-gay verse no one has found yet. Yet he was unhappy thinking how that poor lonely Bible he had given Trump had been practically abandoned in the President’s decoration library. Mike is thinking about just stealing the Bible back. It’s not like Trump would even notice it was missing, you know?”