Televangelists Are Glad Jesus Is Fake, Or He’d Be Furious At Their Bank Accounts

Dallas, TX—

A convention of Evangelical televangelists got together this weekend in Dallas, Texas, hosted jointly by Joel Osteen, Jim Bakker, and Kenneth Copeland.

The purpose of the convention was to figure out new ways to take their congregants’ money during a time of economic uncertainty, and, of course, the COVID19 pandemic.

“My congregants are being real stingy,” said Kenneth Copeland, “They’re barely giving me any money at all! I used to get 10% of their income every week, a real Godly tithe! But now I’m lucky if those selfish jerks give me a measly 2%! If they keep stiffing me, I’m going to have to fire one of my breakfast waiters at my mansion. I can’t eat breakfast with only four waiters, I need all five! I’ve never been treated more unfairly in my life! I really don’t want to have to start eating into my net worth here just because my congregants have gotten obsessed about themselves. I need more money!”

Other televangelists agreed that times were rough.

“I’ve tried everything,” said a visibly exhausted Joel Osteen. “I threatened God’s wrath and several plagues if they don’t continue to pay more, I threatened to tell God to dig up all the seeds they’ve already planted via previous church donations if their donations stop, and I even tried to convince a young, pregnant woman that babies were expensive and she should just abort it so she can save her money for church donations, but nothing will convince these self-absorbed losers to give me their money!”

Jim Bakker’s presentation got weirdly honest.

“You know something?” asked Bakker rhetorically. “I’ve gotten a little reflective due to all the lawsuits, and I am just glad that Jesus isn’t real. The other day, I actually opened up my Bible. I don’t know what came over me, but I had to blow off the dust because it’s probably been 25 years since the last time I looked in there. And I found this amazing passage where Jesus gets upset with the money changers in the Temple, and starts overturning tables and causing a ruckus. I didn’t know Jesus had that kind of alpha masculinity in him. I had never heard this bit before, and it really got me hot imagining Jesus all sweaty and muscles glistening from throwing tables around. Maybe he had a whip, too, and started whipping the money changers for being bad boys. I got so aroused sexually and mentally. Well, long story short, after a trip to the bathroom to rub one out real quick, it dawned on me that we televangelists are just like those money changers. I don’t think Jesus would be happy with how rich we all are, and I just want to say that I’m glad this Christianity stuff is just a bunch of fluff written down by goat herders who had to be reminded not to bang animals or eat unsalted, unrefrigerated pork and seafood and whatnot. Can you imagine any of us seriously spending our lives praying to God to make our lives better, and expecting good things to happen to us without actually doing any of the required work ourselves? You know? God didn’t just give us multi-million dollar mansions, and private jets, and our small armies of life-like, Japanese sex dolls! We worked hard to get where we are. You know how many hours of my life I gave convincing fools they’d soon be rich if they gave me half their paychecks? It was not easy or quick! Frankly, I earned my millions by myself, with no Heavenly assistance! It wasn’t honest work, but it was hard work! And after opening up the Bible the other day, I decided to give it a read-through. I thought that since I’ve been in the Bible business for 50 years, I might as well try to finally read it, and, let me tell you, this book we claim to love is truly outrageous. I lost count of how many incestual rapes there were in the first 40 pages alone! I can’t believe I’ve told so many people they’d solve all their problems just opening up the Bible and reading from it! I was truly astounded to learn what crazy stuff I’ve been subjecting people to all this time!”

Bakker looked seriously concerned.

“If we’re being honest, the Bible should probably be banned,” Bakker continued. “It’s way more gross and corrupting than Harry Potter, or any of the other books we tell good Christian children to avoid. The Bible is literally insane! But I’m just glad we’re all incredibly rich from it, and that people are very, very gullible. I mean, can you imagine any one of us being satisfied with the answer ‘God works in mysterious ways’ when bad things happen to good people? It would piss me off if someone told me that! And all the circular, logical fallacies we have to repeat to our congregants because Christian theology kind of doesn’t make very much sense when you stop and think about it, and get into all the convoluted stuff about the Trinity, transubstantiation, theodicy, and all the other scriptural controversies and incongruities. But I digress. I guess my tip for all you other televangelists is to get into the survivalist market like me. I’m having great success selling old people a bunch of coronavirus-related products and fake cures. The FDA’s lawsuits have dipped into my profits a bit, but I always recover. It’s easy to recover in our business. I’ve said it a thousand times, but I’ll say it again: isn’t it great people are so gullible, and we can get so rich pretending to give a crap about Christianity even though Jesus literally said with unambiguous intensity that none of us will get into Heaven because of our riches?”

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(Picture a screenshot courtesy of this video. Kenneth Copeland literally looks like he could be Satan.)

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