Trump Has Fauci Locked In The White House Basement So He Can’t Testify

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump is apparently very opposed to the idea of Dr. Anthony Fauci testifying for House Democrats’ Congressional investigation into the government’s coronavirus response, and has reportedly locked Fauci against his will in the basement of the White House.

“Dr. Fauci is well provided for, and I can guarantee that he prefers the White House basement to his home and family,” said Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany. “We’re making sure he has a well-balanced diet, and we let him out of his kennel for an hour every day so he can get some exercise on an exercise bike we brought down for him. He loves it down there, and he has been very adamant that he has no interest in testifying for House Democrats, or ascending back above ground into public. In fact, he wanted us to tell America that the Administration’s COVID response was 100% perfect, and that he wouldn’t have changed a single decision President Trump has made, or altered a single quote the President has said from this podium. We offered to let him out of his cage to tell you this himself, but he’s just so disgusted with how fake all your media networks are that he didn’t want to leave the basement. You’ve all hurt his feelings so much with your fakeness.”

Ms. McEnany shook her head in disgust for a moment, and then continued.

“So there’s no reason to investigate further into Dr. Fauci’s disappearance. Trust us that he’s totally safe and totally happy down in the White House basement. His kennel has a nice Swedish memory foam mattress he curls up on, and he’s so supportive of the President’s genius COVID cure ideas. He endorses every one, and swears they’re all totally medically sound.”

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