Washington D.C.—
According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump is beginning to strategize the various presidential pardons he will dole out before leaving office.
A White House janitor took a screenshot of a notebook page on Trump’s pardon notes he found in the trash, and submitted it to The Halfway Post:
List Of Totally Legal Presidential Pardons That Aren’t In Any Way Indicative Of Wrongdoing
MYSELF– OBVIOUSLY!!!
Ivanka– I will give her a pardon for everything for being such a sweet, sexy princess. It would be hot if I made her beg a little, and call me Daddy. Maybe I can get her to send me a photo of her bra strap!
Jared– No pardon. With Jared in jail, I’ll get Ivanka’s undivided attention.
Makeup ladies– They overheard me talking about a LOT of illegal things over the years in my 2-hour-long hair and makeup morning routine so I’ll have to give them a pre-emptive pardon to stay quiet if they get subpoenaed for any dirt on me!
Don Jr.– I have to pardon him or that idiot regret will rat me out in ten seconds in the first deposition. I never should have named him after myself. I should have named him Igor, or Joe Biden Jr.!
Eric– LOL, no. Prison would be good for him and maybe finally turn him into a man!
Stephen Miller– That dude is a horrifying creep, even by my standards! He belongs in prison. Talk about a total serial killer risk! If I pardoned him I bet in 5 years he would be on national television for getting arrested after they find dozens of bodies partially eaten in his basement!
Rudy Giuliani– I have to pardon Rudy. He’s done so much for me, and been caught with his hands in his pants both metaphorically and literally doing my dirty work.
Bill Barr– I obviously have to pardon Bill, he knows wayyy too much, and, more importantly, knows where he hid all the DOJ evidence against me!
Paul Manafort– He kept a lot of secrets for me, gotta give him one.
Mike Flynn– Flynn really embarrassed himself admitting guilt, then innocence, then guilt and innocence again. I can’t tell if he’s a rat or just a moron, so I’ll put him at the end of the list.
Russian Interpreters– They also heard a lot of crazy shit.
Mike Pence– This b**** gonna try and run in 2024, and he’s going to have to turn against and criticize a lot of stuff I did and said, so no pardon for him!
Mike Pompeo– He’s going to run in 2024, too, and I think jail would be good for him, help him lose a little bit of his tubbiness and get to a more slim physique like me!
Stephen Mnuchin– I’m going to have to keep him quiet about how much money I stole, and how much COVID stimulus I gave to rich people in order for them to keep giving me superPAC money and buying memberships at Mar-a-Lago.
Kayleigh McEnany and Sarah Huckabee Sanders– Can you be imprisoned for nonstop lying? I’ll pardon them just in case!
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