Trump Is Reportedly Planning To Pardon Ivanka But Not Jared

Washington D.C.—

According to White House insiders, President Donald Trump is beginning to strategize the various presidential pardons he will dole out before leaving office.

A White House janitor took a screenshot of a notebook page on Trump’s pardon notes he found in the trash, and submitted it to The Halfway Post:

List Of Totally Legal Presidential Pardons That Aren’t In Any Way Indicative Of Wrongdoing

MYSELF– OBVIOUSLY!!!

Ivanka– I will give her a pardon for everything for being such a sweet, sexy princess. It would be hot if I made her beg a little, and call me Daddy. Maybe I can get her to send me a photo of her bra strap!

Jared– No pardon. With Jared in jail, I’ll get Ivanka’s undivided attention.

Makeup ladies– They overheard me talking about a LOT of illegal things over the years in my 2-hour-long hair and makeup morning routine so I’ll have to give them a pre-emptive pardon to stay quiet if they get subpoenaed for any dirt on me!

Don Jr.– I have to pardon him or that idiot regret will rat me out in ten seconds in the first deposition. I never should have named him after myself. I should have named him Igor, or Joe Biden Jr.!

Eric– LOL, no. Prison would be good for him and maybe finally turn him into a man!

Stephen Miller– That dude is a horrifying creep, even by my standards! He belongs in prison. Talk about a total serial killer risk! If I pardoned him I bet in 5 years he would be on national television for getting arrested after they find dozens of bodies partially eaten in his basement!

Rudy Giuliani– I have to pardon Rudy. He’s done so much for me, and been caught with his hands in his pants both metaphorically and literally doing my dirty work.

Bill Barr– I obviously have to pardon Bill, he knows wayyy too much, and, more importantly, knows where he hid all the DOJ evidence against me!

Paul Manafort– He kept a lot of secrets for me, gotta give him one.

Mike Flynn– Flynn really embarrassed himself admitting guilt, then innocence, then guilt and innocence again. I can’t tell if he’s a rat or just a moron, so I’ll put him at the end of the list.

Russian Interpreters– They also heard a lot of crazy shit.

Mike Pence– This b**** gonna try and run in 2024, and he’s going to have to turn against and criticize a lot of stuff I did and said, so no pardon for him!

Mike Pompeo– He’s going to run in 2024, too, and I think jail would be good for him, help him lose a little bit of his tubbiness and get to a more slim physique like me!

Stephen Mnuchin– I’m going to have to keep him quiet about how much money I stole, and how much COVID stimulus I gave to rich people in order for them to keep giving me superPAC money and buying memberships at Mar-a-Lago.

Kayleigh McEnany and Sarah Huckabee Sanders– Can you be imprisoned for nonstop lying? I’ll pardon them just in case!

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