It has been reported that Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un have been hand-writing each other personal notes over the last year, and The Halfway Post managed to obtain one of Mr. Trump’s letters from an anonymous source:
My Dear Kim,
I still can’t get over your gracious words. You are a truly wonderful man. I believe our countries can work together, and achieve peace. As soon as those Trump Condos get built along your beautiful country’s amazing beaches, and your noble people have jobs making me money, your whole country will blossom into a capitalist utopia. Your society is so obedient and courteous to you, Kim, that I believe you will become a rich nation. You have what it takes. And you don’t have democracy so you can have an entire nation of slaves. Boy, I wish I had your country! Take advantage of your good fortunes. I was thinking the other day that I wanted to teach you, dictator-to-dictator like Vladimir taught me, and I decided I’d like to take you under my wing. So here are some of my most valuable lessons and pieces of advice:
—Always have a “Casual Friday” policy. The women show more cleavage that way.
—Get a fixer. But get a smart one. I thought I had a smart one, but Michael Cohen turned out to be a total moron and rat, and it’s been a real thorn in my side.
—If you have a son, never name him after yourself. Donald Jr. is just kind of weird, and I feel like he’s going to somehow ruin the Trump name somehow after I’m dead.
—Get good press spokespeople early, people who are dependable. I have had the biggest problems. First, Sean Spicer was a goody two-shoes dork who couldn’t convincingly lie for me, and then I had to stick awkwardly with Sarah Huckabee Sanders, whose only real truth-evasion technique is to say a lot of words without conveying any real ideas and that gets old, and then the Mooch who burned out like in a week and a half. And, oh my God, have you seen Rudy Giuliani? Talk about C-team talent. It’s embarrassing I have to put him on TV. He looks like Bat Boy, for God’s sake. I wish Ivanka would do it, maybe show a little skin. She’s got great skin. But, wow, Giuliani is a freak. Quite a few years ago he did this drag queen thing and he had fake cleavage that we did a bit where I put my face in his fake boobs, and he got a little too into it. I don’t know. He’s the only lawyer who will represent me so I’m stuck with him. But Jesus Christ, every interview he does he looks like Nosferatu after eating a bunch of fat kids. Yeah, take my word for it: get someone strong, and early in the game.
—At McDonalds, the best sandwich is if you buy a filet of fish, take off the bun, and slide it into the middle of a big mac. It’s the best. I like to dip it into my diet coke and chew any lettuce that falls out with the ice.
—Have a credit card for all the women in your life to do whatever work they want done on their bodies, trust me, it’s worth it. You don’t want uglies around you all the time.
—Go to Russia sometime. They have the best hookers that will do the grossest stuff to you. Vladimir will tape you, but I’d still say it’s worth it.
That’s all for now, I’ll keep giving you more advice as it comes to me. I think me and you are gonna have a long friendship, Kim. Nobody understands what it’s like to be a dictator except other dictators. No one else ever thinks of our problems, or our feelings, or our pain. When you think about it, we dictators are the loneliest people on this planet. But at least we have each other. Love ya, Kim.
Always admiringly yours,