Washington D.C.—
It has been reported that Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un have been hand-writing each other personal notes over the last year, and The Halfway Post managed to obtain one of Mr. Trump’s letters from an anonymous White House source:
My Dearest Kim,
I still can’t get over your gracious words. How quickly your previous letter identified my unparalleled genius really touched my heart. You are truly a tremendous dictator, and I believe our countries can work together and achieve peace. As soon as those Trump Condos get built along your beautiful country’s amazing beaches, and your noble people have jobs making me money, your nation will blossom into a prosperous utopia. North Korea will be the envy of the world!
Your society is so obedient and courteous to you, Kim, that I believe your people have what it takes to become a great nation. And you don’t have democracy, so you can have an entire nation of slaves. Boy, I wish I had your country! My country sucks, and respects way too many human rights. Being President is not nearly as fun as I thought it could be thanks to our dumb military refusing to arrest and torture my critics. You would be truly shocked to know the legal protections journalists, minority party members of the legislature, and former rape accusers have here! I hope you recognize and fully take advantage of your good fortunes to honor all the dictators who came before you without so few checks on power as you have.
Anyway, I was thinking the other day that I wanted to teach you dictator-to-dictator like Vladimir taught me, and I decided I’d like to take you under my wing like Vlad took me under his. So here are some of my most valuable lessons and pieces of advice for a young authoritarian:
—Always have a “Casual Friday” policy. The women around you show more cleavage when the dress code relaxes at the end of the week.
—Get a fixer. But get a smart one. I thought I had a smart one, but Michael Cohen turned out to be a total moron and rat. He couldn’t even pay a porn star as an illegal, undisclosed campaign donation and get away with it!
—If you have a son, never name him after yourself. Donald Jr. has turned out to be quite a loser, and I’m sure he’s going to somehow ruin the Trump name after I’m dead. He’s so desperate for my approval that he makes me want to demean him in public even more than I already do!
—Get good press spokespeople early, people who are dependable. I’ve had the biggest problems. First, Sean Spicer was a goody two-shoes dork who couldn’t convincingly lie for me, and then I had to stick awkwardly with Sarah Huckabee Sanders, whose best truth-evasion work involved vomiting mindless word salad. That gets old real fast. And she’s not easy on the eyes. After her I promised myself I’d never hire another brunette, or a big-boned hillbilly, or a marble-mouthed Southerner ever again. Be glad North Korea doesn’t have an Arkansas in it! Then I had the Mooch, who burned out in a week and a half. I’ve had Adderall rushes that have lasted longer than he did! And, oh my God, have you seen Rudy Giuliani? Talk about C-team talent. It’s embarrassing I have to put him on TV. He looks like Bat Boy, for God’s sake. I wish Ivanka would do it, and maybe show a little skin. She has the look I’m going for and some sex appeal. Unlike that creepy freak Giuliani. Every interview he does, he looks like Nosferatu after eating a bunch of fat kids. Yeah, take my word for it: get someone strong and hot, and early in the game.
—Have a credit card for all the women in your life to do whatever plastic surgery work they want done on their faces and bodies. Trust me, it’s worth it. You don’t want a bunch of uglies hanging around you all the time draining your enthusiasm for accumulating power.
—Go to Russia sometime. They have the best hookers that will do the grossest stuff for you. Vladimir will tape you, but I’d still say it’s worth it.
That’s all for now. I’ll keep giving you more advice as it comes to me. I think me and you are going to have a long and fruitful friendship, Kim. Nobody understands what it’s like to be a dictator except other dictators. No one else ever thinks of our problems, or our feelings, or our pain. When you think about it, we dictators are the loneliest people on this planet. But at least we have each other. Love ya, Kim.
Always admiringly yours,
Donald
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