Little Rock, AR—
Former Trump Administration Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders told The Halfway Post today in a brief phone conversation that God had forgiven her for telling so many lies to the American people during press conferences.
“Look, I didn’t want to lie so much,” explained Sanders, “But you gotta understand the position I was in. Donald Trump’s opinions change by the minute. He doesn’t quite live in reality, and he doesn’t like when reality disagrees with whatever current thought he’s having. So I tried to do my best. I did a lot of soul-searching after I left, and I was so relieved when God spoke to me and told me that I was forgiven for my lying. He said it was totally cool because it doesn’t matter if Republicans lie. Whether it’s an invented war, the cause of our debt, evolution, climate change, or blatant bigotry, Republicans can say whatever we want. Now, when a Democrat takes over, it’s a whole different ballgame. Cheating scandals, same thing. Clinton should have been impeached for cheating, but Trump deserves nothing more than a high five. Because he’s a Republican! Republicans just can’t sin. The end justifies whatever means Republicans employ, even if we never get to the end we say we’re striving for. Trump could even shoot someone to stay in office, and that’s fine, too, if it means he gets to stay in power. God told me He only wants Republicans to govern America. He said that Trump should stay president, even if he gets impeached or loses Election 2020 by millions of votes. Gotta love mysterious plans that only Republicans can accurately interpret. I know for a fact that God intervened to make Trump win over Hillary. The only reason Obama ever won was because God stopped paying attention for a moment. God totally did not intend for Obama to win. And to win reelection, God must have been asleep or something, cause I could tell God was unhappy the whole time Obama was in office. That’s why there were so many forest fires and hurricanes and floods. But even though those natural disasters are continually getting worse, now that Trump is president they’re because of gay marriage. God told me so.”