Washington D.C.—
The Halfway Post has just learned from several sources confirming that President Donald Trump said he wanted the White House staff to work on changing the name of the Tomb of the Unknown Solider to the “Tomb of the Unknown Loser.”
“We were all aghast when we heard his request,” explained a top presidential adviser who would only speak about the controversy if given anonymity. “He said it was bad enough all those soldiers died, but the fact that they couldn’t even die in a way that allowed their bodies to be retrievable made them even bigger losers. He said that if he hadn’t been so unfortunately debilitated with bone spurs, America would certainly have won Vietnam thanks to him. He said he would have made deals with the Viet Cong so amazing that the military would have gotten sick about how fast America was winning the war, and they would have asked him to slow down with his deals. Then he said he respected the Vietnamese for loving their leader so much that they named their capital Ho Chi Minh City. He asked us to look into the legality of changing the name of Washington D.C. to ‘Trumpington D.C.,’ ‘Donald Trump City,’ or something similar.”
Other sources confirmed the story.
“I was there with him the entire day he skipped out on visiting the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier,” said an executive White House aide. “Personally, I don’t think he actually meant to disparage America’s war dead, I just think he didn’t want to go outside because it was raining. He was afraid of getting his hair wet, so he lashed out calling the monument stupid so he could get out of going to it. He started saying that America should tear down the tomb and make a new monument honoring the soldiers who didn’t die. Then he suggested we call it the ‘John McCain Sucks Tower.’ But he was just talking s***. He was only trying to distract us from the fact that he kept looking out the window to see if the rain was dying down at all. It takes him two hours every morning to get his hair and makeup done, and the rain can ruin it in 30 seconds by smearing his foundation and ruining the meticulously layered combover he has. He’s very bald underneath that bird’s nest, and his biggest fear is anyone seeing that. So going out in the rain is strictly out of the question for him. His political career and brand of fascism quite literally depend on the continued illusion and smoke-and-mirrors facade of a tanned face and full head of hair because he pretends to have such a strong man, alpha type of personality and presidential image. But the truth is he’s actually more dainty and prissy than any of the First Ladies America has ever had. I’ve worked with four First Ladies now, and Donald Trump is a bigger priss than all of them combined. None of them were existentially terrified of getting wet!”
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