Trump: “The Only Bigger Losers Than Dead Soldiers Are Kids With Leukemia!”

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump is in full damage control regarding reports that he disparaged and mocked dead soldiers in order to get out of going to a war memorial event because it was raining and he didn’t want to get his hair wet.

But The Halfway Post has learned of so many more awful Trump quotes thanks to our 100% truthful anonymous sources:

  • “The only bigger losers than dead soldiers are kids with leukemia! I like kids who don’t get cancer!”
  • “If I had been imprisoned in Vietnam like John McCain, I would have made a deal to get myself out of the Hanoi Hilton and ended the war in 10 minutes!”
  • “If I had been President in the 40s I never would have gotten the US into WWII. The Japanese bombed us? Who cares? America isn’t perfect either! The world is a nasty place, and Tokyo would never have hated us if they had a big, beautiful Trump Tower to look at in their downtown. Same with Berlin. I would have eased up on economic sanctions on the Axis and made America rich!”
  • “WWI was a dumb war to get into. What do we care if Napoleon invaded the Soviet Union? America should have invaded Denmark and taken Greenland. That’s what I would have done in WWI.”
  • “The generals told me I’m the best Commander-in-Chief they’ve ever seen. They told me Obama was the worst. There were no bullets, and the cupboards were bare. They said before I came along, Obama had ordered the troops to hit each other in the head with hammers all day, and they were so relieved when I told the troops to fight ISIS instead of each other! They said Obama forced the troops to read the Koran for hours and hours, and fast from sunup to sundown. They were so glad I came along and said the military didn’t have to pray toward Mecca five times a day anymore. They couldn’t believe how much time I freed up for them to start winning against ISIS!”
  • “Sometimes I see John McCain’s face in my Diet Coke and I want to bomb his grave site.”
  • “Wouldn’t it be hot to see Ivanka straddling a nuclear missile? We should do a sexy calendar of her posing with nukes… you know, for the troops.”
  • “My biggest regret in life was getting bone spurs because I would have won the Vietnam War had I not been forced to stay home with medical deferments. The generals knew nothing. They were begging me to join up and tell them what to do, but the doctors wouldn’t let me. The generals said only I could fix it and turn things around. But I went into business instead and made tremendous deals. Some of the best deals of all time. Everyone said they’d never seen such big deals.”
  • “Thank God Eric and Don Jr. aren’t in the military! We’d never win another war again!”

From The Halfway Post vault:

Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook here, Twitter here, Tumblr here, or Instagram here for more liberal comedy, political humor and satire! Also, check out our podcast Brain Milk here!

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.