Trump Promises He’ll Let Us Know Why He’s Running For Reelection After He Wins

Washington D.C.—

President Donald Trump today outlined ideas he has for a second term in his quintessentially vague way.

So far this year, Trump has used all his media interviews and political rally appearances to whine about how unfair everyone is to him, how Vice President Joe Biden is brain-dead and too incapacitated to run against him (despite Trump’s double-digit deficit in the polls), and how the people who have wronged him should all be in jail for many years.

Political pundits have begun to wonder what initiatives or efforts Trump would actually use his second term for pursuing, particularly because he claims he has kept all his promises and has been the most successful president in history. So what’s next for Trump if he wins four more years?

“A second term is going to be tremendous,” Trump said following a brief COVID19 press conference in which he nicknamed the coronavirus the “Joerona Virus,” and blamed the pandemic’s summer surge on Joe Biden’s actions as VP four years ago. “I guarantee you’re going to love it. Even more than you have loved my first term. No one’s first term has ever been so loved as mine. And my first term was really something, wasn’t it folks? We did everything. More than Lincoln, Washington, and both Roosevelts put together. I do more in a day than most presidents do in a lifetime. But the next term is going to have even bigger thrills, and better achievements. You’re not going to believe the achievements. You’re going to say, ‘Wow, Mr. Trump, I can’t believe the achievements.’ You think you’re tired of all the winning now, just wait. People are going to be passing out everywhere because they’ll be so tired of all the winning in a second Trump term. People will be passed out in the street and at work because of the winning. It’ll be like magic. All our problems will disappear. COVID? Disappear! Jobs? They’ll be everywhere! They’ll spring out of the ground for everyone. Everyone will have three jobs, and love them all. This election is going to be so great, and my Electoral College victory will be so amazing, that the coronavirus is going to pack its bags to go pick on some other country. The coronavirus will say ‘President Trump is just too smart and has too high of approval ratings for me to stay!’ It will be a beautiful thing. Our number of COVID cases will be zero the day after I win. Maybe not, because some things are unpredictable, but we like where the numbers are headed. We have great numbers. Some of the best numbers in history. Joe Biden doesn’t have good numbers. He has the worst numbers of all time. You’re going to hate his numbers. His numbers hate you, and want to take away all your freedoms. You’ll be begging me for my numbers if Biden wins. We like the numbers. No one believed my numbers could be so great. The numbers are headed where we want them. Maybe not. Sometimes these things go the other way. But we like the numbers. So don’t worry about COVID. If I get reelected, everything is going to be fine. In fact, the best cure for the coronavirus isn’t wearing a mask, or taking your money out of the stock market, or staying home from work, it’s voting for Donald Trump! Joe Biden will be so bad for COVID. Look at him. He’s so brain-dead he doesn’t know he’s alive. His open mouth drooling all over his lap is the perfect entrance for COVID to sneak in and take over the last brain cell still working in Joe’s head. Just know, if you vote for Joe Biden for president, you’re voting for coronavirus as president. Because it’s in his head. COVID is the only thing in his head. And Bernie. Bernie’s up there whispering communist ideas. Joe Biden’s going to be a full, giant socialist, folks. He’s going to make living in a suburb illegal, okay? Everyone in America will be forced to move if Biden wins. And if you’re a Christian, you’ll be in jail. If you’re white, Joe Biden will mandate you tattoo all your skin black or brown. Being white will be illegal. You’ll hate it. But other than those, he has no ideas. He has no ideas, okay? I have ideas. I have big ideas. Bold ideas. Some of the boldest ideas, maybe, of all time. Just like my first term. Only bigger and bolder. Just wait, because you’ll never believe how great my second term ideas are. As soon as I win, I’m going to tell you all of them. And they will blow your mind. You’re going to beg me to stop making my ideas so great, because they’re so great you won’t be able to handle it. Believe me. So vote on November 3rd. And it has to be that day. A lot of people don’t know this, but presidents can’t change the date of the election.”

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