Washington D.C.—
According to White House insiders, executive adviser Stephen Miller keeps a 64-gallon terrarium filled with pet Madagascar hissing cockroaches in his White House office.
“It’s super creepy,” explained an anonymous White House source who has filed a dozen complaints against him with the White House human resources department. “When he’s writing immigration policies he lets them all out, and they run around his office floor and desk. He says their magnificent beauty inspires him to work harder to better figure out ways to traumatize asylum-seeking toddlers from Latin America. He says cockroaches are muses for him, and they help him think up airtight legal wording of draconian executive orders so they won’t get thrown out immediately in court for being human rights violations. God, he’s such a creep. He puts them in his mouth and does this gross trick when he goes to the bathroom where he hides two or three there, and when someone says hello he says hi back and sticks out his tongue so that they crawl out and run all around his head. He’s just so gross. He started breeding them. For eating. He says they’re full of protein. I saw him come to the White House cafeteria the other day with a plate full of them, and he sat down and ate them all. I threw up. Now I eat lunch in my car.”
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(Picture courtesy of Gage Skidmore.)
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