Fox News Announces New Show: “Trump’s Thoughts,” Where The President Calls In And Rants For Half An Hour

New York City, NY—

Fox News has shifted its lineup a bit in order to squeeze in a new half hour show called “Trump’s Thoughts.”

The premise of the program is that President Donald Trump will call in and meanderingly rant about all the subjects floating in his head each day.

Fox News yesterday released a promo unveiling some of the subject matters discussed in the special introductory first episode, which will premier tomorrow on the Fox News website before airing on Fox News the day after in the 10am-11am time slot:

  • Possible locations of Hillary Clinton’s email server
  • Democratic members of Congress’s hand and finger sizes being smaller than his
  • Nancy Pelosi’s menstrual cycle
  • All the world leaders who have allegedly told him that he’s way smarter than Obama and Bill Clinton combined
  • His interest in having a Miss Congress beauty pageant he’d host being ruined when a staffer explained that the average age of Congresswomen was 59 and his acknowledgement that that would be a changing room he wouldn’t want to snoop into
  • His definitive ranking of aerosol hair spray brands
  • Nickname ideas he thought up for Chuck Schumer but never used because his staff told him they were wildly antisemitic
  • His comparison of every female Fox News host’s breast size compared to Ivanka’s breasts
  • All the countries he thinks should make a deal with him to build a Trump Tower
  • An exhaustive review of KFC’s fried chicken combo options
  • His thoughts on why well done steak and ketchup is the superior method to eat kobe beef
  • An invention he thought up where tanning lotion is put into a spray bottle so he can spritz himself every morning with orange
  • An inexplicable five minute monologue in which he promotes Donald Jr.’s new book with such enthusiasm that indicates he certainly hasn’t read any of it
  • His opinion that Fiona Hill would be a 9 if she weren’t a “NeverTrumper”
  • A surprisingly articulate admission about the effect his parents’ coldness had on his childhood
  • A lengthy beat poem he composed about winning Wisconsin in 2016 entitled “No One Said I Could Do It”

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