St. Louis, MO—
President Donald Trump attended a pro-life rally yesterday in St. Louis, but made an unforgettable gaffe when, while holding up a baby to kiss its forehead, he dropped it.
Making matters worse, the President tried to break the infant’s fall by sticking out his leg, but succeeded only in kicking the baby in the face and knocking it off the stage down a four-foot drop in front of approximately 700 pro-life rally attendees, at which point the infant promptly burst into tears and loud cries.
President Donald Trump then leaned into the microphone and changed the subject to Hillary Clinton.
“You know, a lot of people don’t know this, but Hillary Clinton eats babies. I accidentally dropped one, but if Hillary were president and up on this stage, she would have bitten its head off. She hates babies. All Democrats hate babies. Nancy Pelosi likes to go to hospitals and wait outside the maternity ward with a pitchfork. When a baby is born, she waits until the parents aren’t looking, and then she does to the babies what Democrats will do to the stock market if I’m not reelected. You gotta vote Trump, don’t you? What choice do you all have? I’m the pro-life candidate. I’m so pro-life you wouldn’t believe it. Can you imagine if I had aborted Ivanka? What a tremendous beauty. Now, Eric on the other hand. I’m kidding. I love all my kids. All of them. Melania’s got a kid. She loves him very much. He got some of her looks. Can you imagine if he was a girl? He’d be one of the great beauties of all time. Probably have great legs. I wonder what the chest would be like if he was a girl. She’d be a little young, but maybe old enough. So yeah. No collusion. No tax evasion. No campaign finance. No obstruction. No abuse of power. No emoluments. No sexual assaults. No fraud. No extortion. No bribery. The only crime I committed was kicking that baby, but the House didn’t pass that article of impeachment, so it’s too late to bring it up now in the Senate! Besides, where in the Constitution does it say specifically that Presidents can’t drop babies? Seriously, is it in there? That thing is so hard to read. It’s like a foreign language. But I think it’s on my side. Well I gotta go, a hooker is claiming I got her pregnant so I gotta get Rudy Giuliani to pay her off to get an abortion. So thanks for your support, and remember, I’m the pro-life candidate in 2020. Not like Democrats, who grow babies in jars in order to sell their organs and drink their blood. Thanks everyone, keeping making America great again!”