The impeachment trial of President Donald Trump is over, and no one is more relieved than Trump’s lawyer Rudy Giuliani, who went on Sean Hannity’s Fox News show last night to reveal the lengths he went to in order to protect Trump.
“I am so, so glad Democrats only impeached Trump for two crimes,” explained Giuliani. “Can you imagine how much longer it would have gone on if Democrats had also impeached over the emoluments clause, campaign finance violations, sexual assault allegations, tax evasion, or carried on the Mueller Report’s work and addressed the instances Mueller found that Trump impeded his investigation with witness intimidation and obstruction? I don’t think my anus could have taken it!”
“Wait, what do you mean?” asked a confused Hannity. “Is that a metaphor or something?”
“No, literally my rectum!” said Giuliani. “There were several documents I had in my possession that, well, somewhat incriminated the President, so I had no choice but to hide them in the only place I knew Adam Schiff and Nancy Pelosi would never look! I folded them up as small as I could, but, you know, paper only folds seven times, and, unfortunately, Trump has committed several packets’ worth of crimes, but I did my duty to President Trump. It took a lot of stretching in the beginning, but with a lot of lube I finally got them up there safe and sound. It was a very nasty job to take them out when I had to… you know? I walked a little funny for the first week or two, but thankfully the lining of the colon is very elastic. Now the incriminating documents have gotten pretty fouled up, so I’m confident Schiff and Pelosi don’t want to go anywhere near them. I think it’s pretty safe for them to be removed now that the impeachment trial is over. I certainly don’t mind letting my rectum tighten back up for a bit. It was getting harder and harder to keep the papers up there. Sometimes they’d just fall right out. The papers are virtually unreadable anyway… I eat a lot of soup and grapes.”
Sean Hannity’s face turned pale, and he called for a commercial break.
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