President Donald Trump’s most recent cabinet meeting reportedly got off topic early on when Trump asked everyone to decide which actor would play him in a movie.
“Trump claimed one of the Ryans would play him,” said a White House aide who attended the meeting and requested anonymity to discuss internal deliberations. “Meaning, of course, Ryan Gosling or Ryan Reynolds. Trump then asked whether anyone knew if they had 6-pack abs or 8-packs, because, for authenticity, Trump said they would have to have an 8-pack. Ben Carson then asked if it would matter, and whether Trump would be shirtless at any point in this future movie. Trump said any movie about him would have to include several sex scenes, and that the war scenes could be cinematically enhanced by having his shirt get torn to expose his 8-pack underneath. Steve Mnuchin then asked what war he was referring to, and Trump said he was talking about his sex-life still. He said he wasn’t kidding when he claimed not getting boatloads of STD’s was like his own personal Vietnam. Trump explained how a lot of the women he tried to make moves on often fought back and tried to hit him. He said all the prude, teasing hussies who had resisted him over the years were like his own Viet Cong, and that they could easily be dramatized in a movie version of his life.”
Other cabinet members had different actor ideas.
“Wilbur Ross was asleep, so Trump moved on to Elaine Chao, who said she could see Chris Hemsworth, the actor who played Thor, playing Trump,” continued the White House aide. “Trump asked her if Chris’s hands were big, and Elaine said she wasn’t sure. Trump then directed Mick Mulvaney to find out how big Hemsworth’s hands were, but quickly stopped Mick by explaining that the directors and producers could just CGI his hands bigger if needed. Mark Esper suggested Robert Pattinson, which seemed to please Trump immensely. Trump said he always liked Pattinson, and that he was always on Pattinson’s side when the actor was dating Kristen Stewart and she cheated on him. Trump then had Steve Mnuchin play various clips of Pattinson acting in various movies on YouTube, before the YouTube suggestions showed some video clips of Kristen Stewart’s steamiest love scenes, and Trump demanded Mnuchin click that one. Then Trump rated every scene on a scale of 1-10 while calling her a cheating dog, until it got to Kristen Stewart’s scenes in On The Road, at which point Trump wanted to watch those a second time. After the second time through, he said the cabinet meeting had done enough winning for the American people for one day, and he announced that he needed some executive time upstairs.”
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John Candy’s out, maybe Jack Black, or the y’all guy that played in the Elf movies. I dunno, just some dumbass.