Local Republican Christians are reportedly confused as to why God would allow a pandemic to plague the Earth after President Barack Obama left office.
“It’s like God is three years late!” exclaimed Peggy Madrenson, 37, “Does God not realize that the President is white now? I can understand the Lord being upset at us Americans for electing a colored President, but we got it right in 2016! In fact, Donald Trump is so white and pure that he needs to use orange foundation to hide the fact that he’s an almost translucent angel from Heaven focused 100% on undoing the damage from that Arab Muslim Osama Hussein Obama! Throughout my life I’ve always had faith in the majesty and perfection of God’s master plan with only a few exceptions of the years 1993-2000 and 2009-2016, but I’m really starting to question the logic behind this coronavirus and market crash coming right before Trump’s reelection. It almost seems like God doesn’t want Trump to be reelected! I’d never try to put words into God’s mouth, but there’s no way God would want some libtard to win. When a Democrat does win, like with Obama and Clinton, it’s obvious Satan has something to do with it. God would never allow it Himself! Satan is always the culprit when the political candidate I personally support loses!”
Other Trump-supporting Christians pondered who could be behind the coronavirus.
“I don’t know who to blame,” explained Dominick Redwell, 26, “But I know for a fact that this is some sort of conspiracy. It might be George Soros… or the FBI and CIA deep state… or the Freemasons… or the Illuminati… or the Catholic Church… or the liberal media… or the Reptilian Elite… or NASA and the round-Earth hoaxers… or Hillary Clinton… or the billionaire environmental scientists fabricating climate change… or Prius drivers… or the airplane pilots who leave behind chem-trails infecting Americans’ brains with libtardation… or the sanitation workers who put fluoride and gay frogs in our water… or lesbians… or the Parkland school shooting survivors… or atheistic Satanists… or that guy who plays Captain America in the Marvel movies… or Obama and his death panels… or maybe even Sasha Obama who will stop at nothing until she’s made Queen Dictator of the world! Or maybe it’s all of them working together to stop Trump on his quest to stop governmental officials from personally profiting off the federal bureaucracy! These people just hate how honest Trump is, and how thrifty he is with taxpayer money. They detest him for how little he golfs, and how many hours a day he dedicates uninterrupted to serious, in-depth policy reading and writing! And they can’t stand a man so committed to Christian monogamy with Melania. And it bothers them so much that he leads prayerful worship services in the evenings, and Sunday school for elementary schoolers on the weekends, and couples’ counseling on Wednesday afternoons on how to resist infidelity! All the socialist communists around America want to impeach him for being so kind to his fellow man, and for always turning the other cheek, just like Jesus said to. That’s why even if I get the coronavirus, I’m still going to say it’s only the flu to help keep my beloved President from looking bad! I don’t care if I die, I will go to the grave pretending coronavirus is still just a hoax designed to make Donald J. Trump look bad!”
Follow The Halfway Post, America’s #1 source of satirical news, on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/thehalfwaypost, Twitter @HalfwayPost, Tumblr at https://halfwaypost.tumblr.com, or Instagram @thehalfwaypost for more liberal, political humor and satire!