- Donald Trump’s lawyers reportedly put sedatives in his first Diet Coke of the day to stop him from having outbursts during the trial proceedings.
- Donald Trump’s NY judge says he can no longer wear makeup during the trial because several jurors have complained about it being distracting.
- Despite complaining to his judge that his trial means he won’t be able to attend Barron’s graduation, Donald Trump still has an active golf reservation at his Bedminster course that day.
- Melania Trump has reportedly told the judge in her husband’s NY trial that she does not mind at all if his trial makes him miss their anniversary.
- One potential juror in the Trump trial was dismissed after she explained to the judge that she had hypersomia, an unusually heightened sense of smell, and Trump’s well-documented stench was wafting over from the defense table making it difficult for her to focus.
- The judge in Donald Trump’s NY trial says if Trump keeps coming to the courthouse smelling like “rotten roast beef” he’s going to hold Trump in contempt of court.
- The judge in Trump’s NY trial has denied Trump’s motion to track and record the female jurors’ menstrual cycles.
- Donald Trump fell asleep at court again today, and farted audibly while the judge was answering juror questions.
- After Donald Trump complained the judge wouldn’t let him attend Barron’s graduation, the judge said Trump could go if he could tell the courtroom when Barron’s birthday was, and Trump leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed and frowned.
- 33% of the potential New York jurors in the Trump trial were found to have been personally defrauded by Donald Trump or his various businesses.
- Donald Trump claims his $DJT stock was going “only up” until his rigged trial began.
- Hillary Clinton just did a keg-stand at the bar she rented out across the street from where Donald Trump’s trial is taking place.
- A judge in one of Trump’s upcoming trials says Trump’s special treatment has gone far beyond anyone else in judicial history, so the next time Trump insults a judge’s family member, “I’ll send Trump to jail for as long as it takes to learn to finally shut his mouth.”
- Donald Trump’s website is now selling $99 hair regrowth foam he claims “worked wonders” for his hair.
- Donald Trump says the worst part about his ongoing trial is that he’ll have to miss his father-son fishing trip he promised he’d go on with Eric.
- The televangelist from Idaho who convinced his followers to sell all their belongings because the eclipse was going to bring about the Rapture appears to have ran away with all his congregants’ money.
- The porn-monitoring app Speaker Johnson uses that alerts your contacts when you’re viewing porn just overtook Grindr as the #1 gay hookup app on the app store.
- There’s a new app for helping Christians resist the temptation to masturbate where every time you look at porn it donates $100 to Planned Parenthood from your bank account.
- Donald Trump asked the judge in his NY trial beginning Monday if they can delay the trial one week so it doesn’t interfere with his current exercise regimen.
- A new poll found that 87% of Americans support the gay dating app Grindr leaking out the names of every publicly homophobic Republican member of Congress who has a Grindr profile.
- Donald Trump says if suburban women voters stop flipping to Biden, he’ll promise not to sexually assault any women ever again.
- Worried MAGA fan investors of Donald Trump’s plummeting $DJT stock say they can’t believe something Trump is involved in would lose money.
- A top Republican donor just quit the party after Lara Trump made him listen to her whole album of demo songs on a conference call.
- Lara Trump is reportedly planning on starting public feuds with Billie Eilish and Adele to boost publicity for her newest released song.
- Donald Trump’s lawyers couldn’t keep a straight face and started laughing after claiming Trump wasn’t thinking of the election when he paid the hush money to Stormy Daniels, and only wanted to protect Melania from the news of his disloyalty.
- Lauren Boebert is reportedly worried because the voters in her new Congressional district seem much smarter than the voters in her old district.
- Donald Trump is reportedly complaining to guests at Mar-a-Lago about how none of his lawyers are coming up with good excuses for his crimes that make him look innocent.
- A televangelist from Georgia is now commanding his congregation to pray in the direction of Mar-a-Lago 5 times a day.
- Donald Trump is now selling plots of land on his golf courses for his elderly supporters to buy in order to be buried next to him, but the fine print states Trump will not actually be buried there himself.
- The Arizona legislature is debating the creation of a new DMV, a Department of Mammaries and Vaginas, that would mandate all women go to a DMV office annually to register and license their bodies like cars so the state can better catch women trying to get an abortion.
- Ivanka Trump just won the annual Mar-a-Lago beauty pageant hosted by Donald Trump for the 25th consecutive year.
- Joe Biden says if Trump gets convicted he’ll sign an executive order mandating all imprisoned former presidents get “McDonalds Mondays.”
- Eric Trump has reportedly lost over a million dollars from his father’s $DJT stock plummeting in value.
- Donald Trump is reportedly asking his lawyer friends if it’s possible to delay his criminal trials indefinitely by firing his lawyers each month, getting new ones, and requesting trial delays so they can have time to prepare before firing them as well.
- Donald Trump’s website will reportedly begin selling cross necklaces later today with the “T” part of them colored gold.
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