Washington D.C.—
Following a number of tell-all books written by President Donald Trump’s critics inside and outside of his administration, Trump reportedly plans to write his own.
Trump announced the book’s title, Everything Was Perfect, in the following Twitter thread he published earlier today:
“I’ve had enough of all these liars and rats writing books about me, so I’m going to write my own! It will be released next year, and it’s called ‘Everything Was Perfect’ because everything I’ve ever done has been 100% honest, legal, unimpeachable, and tremendous!”
“It will answer so many questions people have about my historic Presidency, and will be full of Trump artifacts. It’ll feature one of the beautiful, romantic letters Kim Jong Un wrote me in which he accurately described my hands as bigger than Obama’s. That’s why I’ve stopped pushing North Korea to denuclearize… you can always trust a man who knows big hands when he sees them!”
“In the book I’ll also rat back at all the rats I’ve known in my life. Did you know Michael Cohen cries in movies? Or that Ted Cruz once drank a cup of my urine while locked in a dog kennel in exchange for me campaigning for him in Texas? How embarrassing, right?”
“And in the middle where the pictures go, I’ve included a risque photo shoot of Ivanka I paid for when she was 17. They were just for me all this time, but I want the world to see how hot I would have been if I were a girl! I’m off to the side with a big bulge in my hands, and the outline doesn’t resemble a mushroom at all despite what Stormy Daniels told lies about!”
“I’ll also include a big list of nicknames I made up for people like Nancy Pelosi, Hillary Clinton, Elizabeth Warren, Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden that I couldn’t say on Twitter because my aides told me they were ‘shockingly sexist, racist, anti-semetic, and in bad taste.’ But from now on I’ll let my most vocal supporters and fans decide if they’re offensive or not! My voters are always great judges of what’s appropriate to say in public!”
“And if you buy a hardcover edition, the book will come with a free, 3ft-x-4t folded up map of my 2016 Electoral College victory over Hillary Clinton! Nobody thought I’d win Wisconsin, and now you’ll be able to remind all the libtards who come to your house that their 3-million popular vote majority just wasn’t enough! In all the red states we’ve drawn patriots waving US flags, and in all the blue states we’ve drawn illegal immigrants aborting babies!”
“So make sure you pre-order my book today and be a part of history when my book goes straight to the top of the best-selling lists. Show those libtards that it’s not just Russians or the RNC buying thousands of copies at a time, it’s hard-working Americans with a little extra cash they can give to their President to show him how much they love him!”
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